I am generally aware when there are some bugs on the website. Every once in a while I need to update certificates on the website as technically it uses some levels of security. None of the security really matter though because there is no real content on the site that anyone would want to steal except my thoughts. There is no real login or anything substantial on the whole site itself, so there is not much to steal. You can advance even though the site is not secure, but generally I notice it or someone tells me and I can fix it within a couple of hours as it updates things. Thanks everyone who notices when it happens and tells me.
It has been 252 days since I last found out that the cancer has returned and I have managed to write about it every day since then. I have had people reading since then and some people randomly stumbled upon it way back in September when it started. As soon as I think that I have stabilized into a pattern i get thrown a curve ball that changes things up. It is difficult to discern a pattern but hopefully by analyzing my daily posts I can see if I can find one. I have not been sleeping well again, mainly because of how often I need to go to the washroom. I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing though. I understand why people stop working when they go through treatment. If things change all of the time and you need to adapt and just concentrate on day to day, it is tough. The difficult part I am struggling with now though is that there is no end game. I am considered palliative care, or terminal in the sense that there is no cure. I will always be in treatment until treatments no longer work, I succumb to cancer or a miracle occurs and there is some advancement to get rid of it. Regardless of the option the mental part of always having treatment every 2 weeks as your new normal can be tricky. We can only plan so far in advance, not knowing how conditions will change. The hardest part is making long term plans not aware of what physical condition I will be in a couple of months out. I know that Mel is always cautious about planning too far in advance without an exit strategy in case things do not work out. I have been invited to several weddings this summer, but unfortunately can not attend because we do not know what the treatment schedule will be or my physical state. We have planned a wedding and I have no interest in adding extra stress to my friends.
I like having busy days and days when I have a lot to do. It gives me a sense of purpose and something to drive towards. If I was not working I think it would be difficult and hard on my mental health, I would have no purpose. The downside though is that I need to manage my energy properly and make sure that I am following all of my routines. Today I have been planning what I need to do in order to have meals ready for the next couple of days. The only set meal is my 3am boost. Soon I am going to need to take a bit of a break on that so I do not hate it. Once the box is empty I will try and come up with a different strategy for that. There is quite a lot of food that I do like to eat, but that is something that is quick and easy that I can keep by my bed. I will need to come up with a new strategy on something that has high calories that I can eat quickly. For tonight I am going to prep some butter cookies smothered in peanut butter for a change. I think that I should be able to hit a similar caloric intake with 5 or 6 cookies in a 30 minute time frame. I tend to not go back to bed right away when I drink the Boost so it should be ok.
Today I had to pick up Xavier and drive him somewhere and his attitude towards things always amuses me. I know nothing about some of the things he does like his BJJ and whatever else he does at that facility. While we were talking and I asked him what rank he was, he said white, and he wanted to be a Red belt. He said it was above Black Belt and what it required was you to add something back to the community, meaning you had to contribute something new to the discipline. I asked him how easy this was and he said good question and looked it up. It was less than 50 and not super easy to achieve, but this is what I appreciate about him. When we were chatting he said that was his goal, but he did not know whether he would achieve it or not. He sets lofty goals all of the time, in everything that he does. His attitude is that he wants to be the best, but he is ok if he is not. It is a nice mix, reach for the stars, but it is ok if you do not achieve it. Olivier is different in the sense that he does not set goals so concrete, but he has his stubborness streak where he will work to achieve what he wants whether it is achievable or not. His creativity will get him there and he will figure it out. Where Xavier’s creativity is different where it lies in more abstract and theoretical, Olivier’s creativity is in concrete practical applications. If the two of them ever decided to work together it could be lethal. Xavier would come up with the idea and Olivier would figure out how to make it work. I want to buy a 3D printer as there are some things that I want to do with it. I had told Olivier this and he was quite excited. He made a critical costly error though and told Mel that I wanted one. Mel is all about minimalism and did not like this idea at all and has refused to bring it into the house. There are things that need to happen before I can get one and it will not be for a while. Xavier would know better and keep his mouth shut about this, but Olivier’s is excited because he wants to discuss different things that he could do with it, or what I want to do with it. Xavier is the cerebral component while Olivier is the skilled architect that can bring the concept to life.
The last 252 days have been quite the ride as I have had to adjust daily to things. Once I hit 365 days I will do an analysis to see if I can find any trends with the data in terms of seasonality, treatment moods and see what things impact my day to day operations. My career has been about simplifying chaos and creating order from it. It is something that I do well. I can not control the outcome of any of this, but I can analyze it, adapt to it and understand it better than I did the day before. If this is going to be my reality then I am going to dissect it, understand it and force as much order out of the chaos as I can. You can not always choose the conditions, but you can choose the standard you hold yourself to inside of them.
Dr. QHM