I am not strong enough on my own. A lot of people have made comments about Melanie and my strength throughout this. What people may not really realize is that a lot of my strength is because of Mel. I am not sure she realizes the impact that she has on all of this. She has said that she does not know if she could do this the way that I have. I think she is right in that sense. I do not have the innate nurturing senses that she does to try and mitigate potential risks to myself. I have a far more laissez faire attitude towards my health and if I was taking care of her I do not know if I would be as attentive as she has been. People talk about strength like it is an individual trait, but I do not think that is true anymore. A lot of strength is borrowed. It comes from someone making sure you take your pills when you are too exhausted to care. Someone pushing you to maintain routines when you would rather give up for the day. Someone paying attention when you stop paying attention to yourself. In moments that I slip, she will step in before it happens. I think that a large part of why I have handled things this way is because she has never allowed me to carry it alone. She constantly pesters me on have I taken my pills, have I eaten, did I drink, have I taken my measurements, have I done my exercises. There is a lot to do on a daily basis to maintain everything and sometimes it is hard and I will slip. Routines can be difficult when you are having a rough day.
Yesterday we went to The Lunch Lady of Saigon for lunch in Toronto. The meal there was fantastic and I ate more there than I have in quite some time. Everyone loved all of the food and there were a lot of dishes that Mel is not normally a fan of, but she loved. She normally does not like tofu, as she does not like the texture or the taste of it. They had crispy tofu, which had a nice exterior crust and a soft tender custard-like interior that just melted away in your mouth. The accompanying sauce complemented it well and this is a dish that we ordered again once we had finished and wanted some extra food. The second dish that was surprising was the carpaccio. Xavier and I love carpaccio and eat it all of the time, but Mel will try it but does not love it. The one that came at the restaurant was herbaceous, citrus filled and super fresh. Paired with the taro chips they were delicious. This was so good that we ordered a second plate after. We followed the recommendation of the waitress and ordered all of the appetizers, the normal pho dish and lemongrass chicken all to share. We were not planning on getting dessert as it is a pandan mochi type of dessert with strawberries, red beans and some ice cream on top. Once we had mentioned how much we liked the other things and Mel mentioned that she normally does not like mochi texture, the waitress indicated that this was different and that we would enjoy it. This waitress was good and she was right, as Mel liked the dessert as well. At the end of the meal, she remarked to the waitress that she would normally not gravitate towards tofu or carpaccio, but she definitely would here. Throughout this whole meal I ate quite a bit actually, and as I was sitting next to Olivier he made a remark that I had eaten a lot at this meal compared to other ones. I think the freshness of all the food helped out quite a bit. On our drive home, we had stopped for some fast food and it did not sit well with me at all. Upon arriving at home I did not feel well at all. I had quite a bit of discomfort in my stomach and took some pills to help me out. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but it was difficult with how much discomfort there was. It took me approximately 20 minutes to fall asleep, I track it based upon what songs I remembered played before and after I wake up. It works quite well. When I woke up Mel asked me if I wanted to try some of the multi-grain sourdough bread we had bought at a local bakery near the lunch place. I originally said no, but after having a bite of Mel’s piece of buttered toast I ended up eating 2 whole pieces. We started discussing my eating habits and things that are home made or well made I can tolerate much better. This is very important when we travel as a lot of food that is processed or not as fresh does not sit as well and impacts me quite a bit. Luckily we tend to eat at better places that are healthier, but it can be difficult.
Traveling is difficult because it disrupts my routine so badly. Mel was worried for me throughout a lot of the day asking if I had done my rinses or not. I tried to do them as much as I could and every time we had stopped I would quickly rinse my mouth and spit the water out on the side of the vehicle. It generally is not too much water though. The other issue that I had to be careful of was water intake and making sure that I drink my restoralax to counter the impact of all the drugs I am on. We brought some travel packets and I mixed it in with my coconut water and took all of my pills at the appropriate times. When we went out for lunch, it was a bit difficult to find parking, but we found an area that was labelled as a loading area at various times of the day. There were a bunch of vehicles parked in that area so we decided to as well. The lesson learned is that you can park there, it is just a $50 fee that you receive afterwards. We saw the signs but did not notice any no parking signs. Lately I have noticed that my vision has been getting worse. It is hard to notice as there are a lot of times now where I just do not wear my glasses. I should be wearing them but I am capable of operating without them so I do some things without them. I was commenting to Mel about this and I was going to look up getting another eye exam and getting new glasses, but I just got some new ones in August. Further researching things, the corticosteroids that I am taking can impact vision and I have been on them a bit more lately. I need to monitor this and see if I can see the trend of it. This week I do not have treatment so I will see if it improves or not. Looking online it says you should wait months after finishing cancer treatment for your eyesight to stabilize before getting new glasses.
Mel rarely reads my posts as she lives it and there are moments that can be emotionally draining that she does not want to remember, especially when I am having a rough day. Instead Mel has friends who read this and update her on what I write. I am not sure if they tell her all of the good things, but I do know that the random chaos amuses them and they ask her about certain things that I write. The daily grind of things that I have to do can be exhausting and I am lucky that I have a fantastic wife who excels at nagging. A big issue with cancer treatment is maintaining energy and nutrition. It can be difficult when every action can be difficult. Disruptions in routines or stepping outside of your comfort zone happen at times because you want to live your life, but it can have unexpected impacts and you need to weigh the pros and cons of the actions. I think that is what people miss when they talk about strength. A lot of it is just consistency. Quiet maintenance. Someone beside you every day making sure that you keep going when you are too tired to keep track of everything yourself.
Quoc Hao