I have not been sleeping well the last couple of nights. I can fall asleep easily but when I have gotten up in the middle of the night I have been having some difficulty going back to bed. This morning I was up at 2:30 and ended up just staying up for most of the time. I think at 6:30 I was able to go back to bed until 7:30 when I was jolted awake by Mel. I am not sure exactly why I was unable to go back to bed but I spent the whole time eating or drinking instead. Eating 6 butter cookies with peanut butter is harder than drinking boost. Boost is quick, a bit uncomfortable as it still takes 30 minutes. I think that may be part of the problem is that when I have been getting up it is specifically to make sure I eat and since I can not drink or eat everything within a couple of minutes I extend it. Introducing solid food might have caused my body to want to extend the time frame further. Though at 5:30am when I ate cereal it seemed to be ok. I will need to monitor this tonight when I go back to boost. The other option is that I drink as much as I can and then just go back to bed and drink the rest later on. Talking with the nurse today from palliative care she asked me the impact of chemo treatment on my bowels and sleep. I am not sure at the moment, but it is something to consider as yesterday I was still on the steroids and today I am off them completely. My weight has not changed much, only about a pound since last treatment day, which is an indication that the ascites does not seem to be building up too rapidly at the moment. After a couple of weeks we will see what the increased weight is like. I am not sure if i have eaten and drank less today. I feel that i have, but i am not sure at the moment. We have just finished dinner and my stomach feels uncomfortable and i ate a decent amount but I felt that previously I had eaten more. A lot of it depends on how well i digested food throughout the day. Did i eat a lot of heavy stuff at once or did i intermingle softer food throughout. I made some baked beans this morning since I was up and will eat that over the next couple of days.
My parents love to do the random drop off. i had asked them to make me more tofu and said I would get it yesterday when we were at their house. They did not have it made so of course they dropped it off today. It would not have been much of an issue except Mel works from the dining room and I have been working from my bedroom chair and not my office. They tried to talk to Mel and engage her in questions while she was actively in the middle of a meeting. Same with me. I told them to leave Mel alone as she was in a meeting and should not be disturbed and I was in one as well. It seems simple enough, but of course it was not. They bought me a dessert while we were in Toronto and it did not turn out the way i had wanted and my dad said it was because i made it wrong. I followed the instructions and if I completely ignore the instructions and do his method it turns out into…something. i am not sure if it is exactly what i want, but it is something as I was in the middle of a meeting i just wanted them out of the house. I wanted a sesame pudding dessert and they got me a drink and I think managed to turn it into a jello like texture. I am not sure what else they dropped off, hopefully Mel has an idea.
Xavier had his track meet today and he ran the hurdles. He sucked as he has never actually gone over it properly. He said he had a great start and was first to the hurdle and then it all fell apart, which makes sense. This is my fault as when we should have started training in September got derailed because i figured i should start a daily blog about my cancer journey. If I was going to start a daily blog then clearly the next step is to have the cancer return so i have something to write about. He has potential with his strength and agility, but i have not been able to train him and now it is even harder as i can not physically demonstrate things. I am going to try and get him prepared for next year though and think that I might be able to. I know a lot of people in the track world and a lot of people that I went to school with are teachers, so one of them was there and asked Xavier if he was my son, and told him that they follow my blog. I am still not sure if he has found my blog or reads it or not. He is the type that would and not tell me, while Olivier could not be bothered to do it. Xavier is growing up a better physical and mental avatar of myself. Physically he is in far better shape and is more gifted physically then I was. His growth rate is more consistent and he has been putting on muscle mass while maintaining mobility. Mentally he has grown a lot and has shown more discipline then I have ever had. I was always more concerned with creating chaos. He has that streak within him, but his internal drive is stronger than mine. When I tried at something I expected to be the best. He is the same and wants to be the best at everything whether he gives effort or not. The difference is that he will give more effort than myself. Olivier reflects my creative side and adds in a lot of empathy and emotions that I never grew up. Mel says he is more sensitive and it is hard for my logical emotionless Asian side to grasp. Why are you mad that i am pointing out our flaws when you can use it as an oppportunity to reflect on what you are lacking? This is not the proper approach for either Olivier or Mel. They have feelings and emotions and require more empathy. Olivier reflects more of what I would be if i grew up in a culture that embraced love more. I love the fact that he still asks for hugs for bed and is affectionate. I love that he is always exploring different ways to do things, even if at times it is aggravating because it is at the wrong time to be considering it. The thing is that both of them are evolutions of myself and Mel. A combination of both our best and worst qualities. Both will exceed our expectations and achieve things greater than what Mel and I have accomplished. It is strange seeing parts of yourself continue forward in different directions. Xavier reflects the drive, competitiveness and intensity that I always had, but with more discipline and structure than I ever possessed. Olivier reflects creativity, curiosity and emotional openness that I never really had room for growing up. I look at them and realize that parenting is not creating copies of yourself. It is watching traits evolve beyond you into something different and hopefully something better. I think that is one of the few things that makes it easier to accept getting through this. Even when parts of your own life start narrowing, theirs are still expanding outward.
Dr. Q