I was so tired last night and I ended up sleeping 8 hours. I had to get up a couple of times, but I would get up, go to the washroom and then instantly back to bed. I am a bit surprised on how tired I have been. I think that all of the activities yesterday just broke me physically. It was too much for me to do all of that, when normally that Monday is a day where I tend to not push myself so hard. Whatever I wrote yesterday was a lie and by the end of the night I was done. By the end of my night I had difficulty thinking, where my mind was blank and it was hard to think. I felt like a vegetable and had trouble just thinking and I just wanted to sleep. It is not a feeling that I like. When I described it to Mel, generally whenever I look at something or I am just even sitting there, my mind is not blank. I can see everything in the sense that I can see understand what I am doing and how it impacts the larger picture. I understand how my actions or thoughts can impact the larger picture. Last night it was like it was blank and there was nothing there. It terrifies me because I am not use to having my mind blank, without having some sort of thought in it. I do not like the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what to do. When I am that tired it is difficult to operate because my body is physically exhausted and mentally I am drained. Mel kept on asking me questions or trying to make decisions on things and I told her to stop that I could not do it then, it was too much for me. I was barely functioning and did not have the capacity to add on decision making when my mind was barely functional. Mel said that most people do not have thoughts running through their head all of the time. Before I went to bed I wanted to make sure that I had eaten my last meal and had my last drink.
Today I was still tired but it is much more functional. The neuropathy has not gotten better today and it seems to fluctuate quite a bit. My weight has increased and I think that I will need to monitor it over the next couple of days to see when I want to get drained again. Ideally I can get it so that I can just go in once and they can fill it up and then I do not need to return the next morning for just a bit more. The meals have been easy and I have not struggled much with that, though my tongue is feeling a bit rough. I am not sure if that will impact my tastes in the next couple of days, but right now I can taste everything fine and without issues. My parents are making a dinner that I really enjoy tonight so hopefully this all works out well. We have Mel’s parents, aunt, uncle and cousin joining us tonight and I think that it is going to be delicious. Normally there are certain drinks I try and have earlier in the day and I have reverted back to that, so my night time drinks and eating allows me a bit more freedom. For dinner today I managed to eat everything that my parents gave me in the bowl. i am quite impressed because when I was done I did not feel overly full and had a bite of brownie and an affogato afterwards for dessert. I am still quite exhausted though and feel drained, so i think that I am going to go to bed early tonight or take a nap. I need to recovery from the last couple of days and it sounds like I am going to be quite busy the next couple of days.
Mel has decided to hire people to come here on Thursday morning to move things to the dump. What this means is that now tonight and tomorrow we need to clean out a lot of space and areas for this to work. I have to move all of the servers and move a lot of things around. We also need to disconnect a lot of the electronics. The sheer amount of work is a bit daunting and I think we could have slowed things down a bit. She wanted people to move my stuff but I said no, I am not letting people move my computers. I do not trust people to move them as they are delicate and I will move them myself or have Xavier tomorrow. I am going to need to change the systems that are in the server room and reorganize the computers in there so that everything will fit. I am going to have electronics all over the place upstairs and she is going to have to be ok with that while the basement gets fixed. We will not have any TV’s hooked up for a while and upstairs it is going to be a mess. I am too tired to disconnect a lot of the things that I have and we can deal with all of that tomorrow. Mel’s parents are here to help pack up boxes of things and they can start to clean up the office. There is a lot of things in the office that need to be cleaned and it is a a ridiculous mess at the moment. I am not sure what we will be throwing away in there, but i know we will get rid of my desk as it is quite damaged. his is not the week that I would have wanted to do this, but she can do the work with her parents. Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with the oncologist so the timing of things to me is less than ideal.
Q