In the middle of the night, sometimes it is difficult trying to be strong. When every motion in bed sends a shockwave of discomfort through your body and you know that this is the tip as it slowly gets worse over time. It is difficult to be positive. What comes to mind is all of the things that I can not do, such as go hiking. I am never going to be able to go for a 20km hike and see wonderful views anymore. I remember how much discomfort certain things are and it is a reminder that there are some things that you can not power your way through. It makes things more difficult. I can not pretend that the soreness and tenderness is a passing moment. When I feel tingling in my mouth I can not think that I can just overcome it with will power. It is easier when I have tasks that I need to do and I can focus on those things instead. But sometimes at 4am in the morning it is hard when you are living in the uncomfortable moment.
What I need to remember though is that I have a dedicated palliative support team that exists so that I do not need to try and tackle things on my own. When I am not feeling well, that it is ok and instead of trying to suffer through it I need to tell people so I can get help. It is a difficult transition for me as I have grown up in an era where we were told to suck it up and deal with it. That is not resilience, but foolishness in not seeking help and suffering in silence. I am lucky that I have friends that read my blog who are healthcare professionals and pressure me to do the right thing. I may argue with Mel about whether I need to go in, but not with my friends who deal with this daily. They are the experts and see these things daily. I need to trust their expertise. This weekend has been tough for me and I have found it hard to have a positive outlook on things. I need to be careful that I do not take out my frustrations and discomfort on Mel. She is the one that tends to face the brunt of it as small things annoy me. It is something that is not fair and something that is within my control. I have taken a lot of courses and read numerous books one leadership, but in moments at home I do not always apply the lessons learned. I was watching random videos last night and one came up with how you respond to people. Do you engage in a positive way or a negative. If you say Yes, but, you are discounting what the person says. You should say Yes and. You turn a negative into a positive situation. Years ago we had a team building exercise at Second City in Toronto and this was something that we had practiced. I do this at work, but not all the time in my personal life. It is easier to lash out at loved ones that you know will always be there to support you then to take the time to be positive. Having a positive outlook takes effort and you need to make sure that you are always reframing things properly. I am writing all of this right now at 4am because what is on my mind is how do I turn around all of these feelings of despair and discomfort. What I have come to realize is that it is ok to show weakness and ask for help when I have so many people around me. It is ok to be uncomfortable, but I need to make sure that I do not take out my frustrations on my loved ones. I am notoriously bad for having very little patience with my mom, but I can do it when I want to. It is something that I can work on and will give me focus and take away thinking about how much discomfort I am in. Strength is not the absence of weakness; strength is learning how to carry weakness without turning it into harm.
Quoc Hao