Yesterday I said that I think that things were going fine. At the end of the treatment I had to go pee and realized that my bladder control was starting to slip a bit as I dribbled some pee down my leg as I was getting up. This was a sign of things to come as when we got home I was quite tired and decided to take a nap. In my sleep it led to me vacating my bladder completely making quite the mess. The issue is that everything needs to be washed twice in hot water so it is quite the endeavor. At first I thought it was just sweat from sleeping and when I went to the washroom I noticed that I was drenched. So now I get to wear an adult incontinence protection because I am worried that I may end up inadvertantly doing it again. I do not want to create extra work for Mel but she sees it as an opportunity where she can help me. We spoke to one of my nurses from symptom management and she thinks it is transient and from me being on all of the drugs and being put into a deep sleep. I still am a bit concerned though and will err on the side of caution for a couple of days and then when I go in for treatment. Mel did not want me to buy a Costco size pack. But just hink of the convenience when traveling, you do not need to stop for a pit stop. It might seem weird that I am sharing this but I realized yesterday when talking with our dietician that actually having things documented is far better. Mel can look it up if she is not sure or I can to check on things. I had looked something up from the first time through to confirm some small things. Yesterday was a bit of a rough day with fatigue but it may have been due to all of the drugs that were pumped into me.
I am not going to lie. This time through it seems more difficult than the other time. I can feel the port and I can feel the liquid pumping through me. If I shift the location of the bottle it changes the pressure and I can also feel the port when I move. It is like a tightness and a pressure. I am very bad at gauging pain and discomfort. I would say that this is a mild discomfort when others say it is painful. I think that it may be due to the wound not healing completely when I had it inserted as it was sensitive to touch even before they gave me my medication. My shirt sticks to the port and pulls it or puts pressure on it. The other thing that I noticed was when I first eat my salivary glands seem to tense up and that is not super pleasant. I had thought that I could eat more food yesterday but I am not sure if that is an illusion or not as it seems today I have not been able to sustain it. I have not struggled with actually eating or keeping my food down and I should most likely take all of my nausea pills preventative. I need to setup all of my alarms again alerting me on when I need to do things. I am going to try and write my content in the morning because I realize as the day goes on my fatigue levels increase and I am going to end up crashing in the afternoons again. While in the chemotherapy room everyone was shocked to hear that I am still working. As it is remote and I can work from home it is not too big of a deal.
I have a lot of gratitude for everything that Mel has done and how she has picked up even more work with me now. When I am hooked up for Chemo I can do even less and she is required to give much more effort now. I am quite lucky to have her in my life and for everything that she does. I am also lucky that her workplace is flexible and gives her some latitude to help me out as much as she can. I am going to start teaching Olivier how to bake some bread. Last night he showed some interest and asked me if he could help me make some sourdough. As sourdough takes a while I think we will start with making some baguettes and go from there. I am going to walk him through the whole process and have him do it all and just guide him and we will see how well this goes. Hopefully it will be a fun experience for the two of us.
I wanted to leave this post on an upbeat note. This is something that my sister send me this and she said she has someone that sends inspirational messages to her.
“Persistence is not about never feeling tired. It is about refusing to quit even when you are tired. It is about waking up with determination even after yesterday tried to break your spirit. Every great story of success was written by someone who decided that their struggle would not be the end of their story.”
This is something that I think resonates with me. Persistence is not about things being easy. It is about pushing through when you know it is. Mel gets mad at me because to the world I present as everything is fine and easy and she sees me behind the scenes when I struggle at times. She sees me in my weakness sometimes and I think that is what she is concerned with. To the world I present the utmost strength and she worries that sometimes it is a facade and I am not always doing well. It is fine though because my spirit will not be broken and I will persevere.
Quoc Hao