Hockey for the weekend is done now. Xavier played both the semifinals and final game. This morning he was a bit off as his on ice warmup was not great. He did not get very good shots prior to the game starting, but we ended up winning the game in OT. He started off the game a bit rough letting in 2 breakaway goals. He normally stops those but with a warmup that was not great he was not in the game yet. They scored again in the second period jamming the puck in and by that time he was set and played well the rest of the game. Stopping a breakaway with 3 minutes left in the game. We started in OT shorthanded and he made some saves prior to us scoring a goal and advancing.His coach asked if he was ready for the finals and he said he was. He does not like to lose and the warm up was much better. He played well for most of the game and let in 1 goal to a friend that he played with last year. We ended up winning the championship 3 to 1. He made the saves look easy and after the game be wanted to go skiing. The parents said that he was dialled in and focused. He had the determination and focus in this game. Over the last month he has being going to an athletic therapist to improve his flexibility and you could notice it today as he stretched out on a breakaway to stop an opportunity.
I would like to preface this by saying that everything is fine. I have had a rough couple of days due to me pushing myself and being out and about so much. This part may sound depressing and I may have people reach out and check on me, but I want to tell people that I am fine. I understand now why people do not want to fight when they have cancer. There are times when it is quite difficult to deal with things. For the last couple of days I have had pain from my clothing rubbing against the wounds, pressure from my abdomen and probably more annoying is acid reflux and the constant feel of fullness. It has not been pleasant and I get why people do not want to always fight. It is difficult and you question is it worth all of the discomfort and pain that you know that will just get worse. If you have nothing to live for and just think about all of that it is hard. There are a lot of things that I will accomplish first and though at times I do feel weakness and that this is tough I can get through it. I have a lot of support and people that I can talk to when required. I get new people checking in on my almost weekly and it always surprises me when more people show support when we have not chatted for years. People may talk about strength and normally you can get through it, but when things are not going your way or you have set backs it is tough. It is tough to always try and fight through it. Mel will ask what can she do to help and the reality is nothing. There is not much that she can do in that moment to help alleviate things. Sometimes I just want to rest in peace and let my body try and recover. I am sure that it is hard to watch someone to through it. Discussing the issues with someone does not necessarily help as well as you do not want to be reminded of the struggles you are going through. It makes it hard. I am lucky in the sense that these episodes are the exception instead of the norm. You need to question was it worth it to be in discomfort for 4 days to watch him play hockey. Yes. 100%. In the moment you forget about some of the pain and you live for your child. Today and yesterday i had to fight instances of vomiting for most of the day but you suck it up and you show up for the people you care about when it matters. I am going to crash hard afterwards but it is a five tradeoff. I do not have doubts on why am i subjecting myself to such misery at the end of the day when it ends well. On rough days I just want to rest alone and sleep until the pain goes away. The issue is I wake up in the middle of the night with the symptoms. So I get and understand why people choose not to fight and go through it. I am too stubborn to do otherwise and will try to use sheer willpower, but I too have moments of weakness. We will see what happens with the treatments in starting in a couple of days. Should be fun. I know what I did was not sustainable so I need to make better choices in the future.
Quoc Hao