I had written yesterday in between my oncologist and my planning setup. Drinking the barium for the contrast sucked. It was just one cup, but the consistency was similar to a thick drink. Looking at it brought me back memories of drinking protein drinks during treatment. They told me that I had to drink it all within 5 minutes and I informed her that it would not be possible. At best I could drink it within 15 minutes. I managed to do it, but it was a struggle. Even though it was a liquid, each drink sat heavy in my stomach and it was difficult as it reminded me of not being able to eat much. It was a sharp reminder that my stomach seems to be smaller now than it was before. It was followed up with an IV insertion that seemed to go well. It was not as painless as other instances, but it was not too bad. After sitting and waiting for 90 minutes I then went into the planning room. In the room you lie down on the bed and they arrange padding around you to keep your arms propped up over your head. Everything seemed fine until they started with the saline and it was quite painful. They stopped to determine what was wrong and after deliberation with the nurses they confirmed that the needle was in, but it was most likely the way my arm was placed that was putting pressure on the needle. After that everything was relatively smooth as they did my scan. Afterwards my friend dropped by and we chatted while I waited for Mel. It was nice to catch up with her as I have not seen her in a while. I appreciate her leadership with her team and how her and her team take care of their patients. The radiation tech also happened to be the wife of a colleague that I had at Vale. This person was fantastic and I think that they should eventually get promoted higher. I told her that she could tell her husband I said hi and tell him that I have cancer. I do not mind people knowing. Afterwards I went home waiting to go pick up Xavier from school. I did not realize how tired I was and took a nap after I picked up Xavier and brought him home as I knew that he had a game that night.
Xavier was exhausted during the game and it was evident by the way he played. He played very well in the 2nd and made a lot of clutch saves but watching the way he was moving I knew that he was getting tired and that the way he was playing was not sustainable. Once the third period came the floodgates opened and the team got crushed. Watching the game I knew that he was getting upset. Not that the team was playing well, but because he was tired and could not keep his team in the game. Realistically no matter how he played they were not going to win, but he does not care who or how the team is playing in front of him. Once the shot is on goal, the mistakes that everyone else has made do not matter. I like that he has learned accountability and that he focuses on what is within his control.
It was nice to see friends from his team last year and to interact with the parents. The arena was packed and I am not sure that in the future whether I will be able to attend or not. I had trouble sleeping last night. Falling asleep is easy, but I was up at 3am, 5am and 7am. It was dark outside so it was difficult to know what time it was. We had Xavier in the summer and it was beneficial for us as the days are longer and the sun comes up early. It is a reminder that you made it through to another day. Waking up in the middle of the night when it is all dark is difficult. When the sun comes up, is the next day and it seems like progress. When I wake up in the middle of the night and it is dark, and I am not tired I am waiting for the dawn of a new day. At this time it makes me think of waiting for progression of my treatment plan. Waiting in limbo, the unknown, knowing that the sun will come up in a couple of hours but in a state of uncertainty on whether to try and fall asleep or stay up. In this stage of the cancer treatment there is still the unknown of what we will end up doing and I am not sure which option I feel is the best.
In the morning while I was having my coffee in bed I was listening to some music and it reminded me of when I was in the hospital and had a shared room. You have nurses coming in constantly to check on you or the other patient in the room. I wondered if I would need to stay in there and for now long or whether the stereotactic radiosurgery is an outpatient service. I need to wait and see and prepare myself mentally for which ever option comes up.
Q