Yesterday was probably one of the roughest days that I had an in a while. I was light headed for most of the day, when i moved around I had nausea. I could not keep food down and was throwing up broth. I struggled to eat, but you know what I told Mel that as hard as that day was I could deal with if for the rest of my life. I could deal with struggling to find food that I can keep down and the vomiting and nausea. The evening started with us taking something out to Julie’s. We had something delivered that the 3 boys were super excited for and I had to deliver to Caleb, Caleb Jr, and Caleb Jr Jr. Her kids have all the same name to make it easier for me. I can call 1 name and it works out. I felt like crap, but if it was not for the boys I would have stayed home. Caleb Jr was all excited for the package and had told his grandmother it was arriving today. We dropped off the boxes and the kids loved the big boxes and then ran off to play. It was a bit of overstimulation for me so we drove home in silence. Mel and the kids went to get food. Olivier wanted Subway save Xavier wanted Harvey’s. Mel and Olivier decided to get some ice cream while Xavier got his food. They could not see where he was, but noticed him sitting by the window munching on his food on a tray. He never thought to ask for takeout. He carried his food or and ate his precariously created dipped cone in the car. Upon arrival home he was asked to make me some broth. His words were that I was very particular. He had to have the right bowl, utensil, seasoning. Xavier came and asked me which bowl and I tried him the red ceramic mug. Where he messed up was why the ceramic soup spoon. There is only one I like and he had brought the wrong one. He kept on arguing it was the same thing. I countered that Sherwood T60X was the same as his custom Fuse Supreme. He relented. The seasoning was not bad and acceptable. I managed to drink about half of it before I threw it all up. I decided that I would try eggs in a bit why we then recruited Olivier to make hard boiled eggs. I managed to eat only half of it. At this point i knew that I was going to drink the hated protein shakes for calories whether I liked it not. I did not care and as difficult as it would be I would drink it and keep it down. I had gone to bed at 8, woke up at 11 and managed to drink the whole bottle. This is when I shared with Mel that I could do this. This was not an insurmountable struggle. But eating may lead to my downfall but in can suck it up and force myself to drink those wonderful drinks fora day or two. Cognitively I was fine, so if made it easier. I was not so fatigued that I could not think straight. Mel thought I was a bit crazy when I said I can deal with a day like this. I had discomfort and pain from chemo, drainage and surgery, light headedness, nausea and vomiting. It was a good day, we bought joy to kids, tormented the kids on proper prep for my food. I told Mel that she has the utmost patience and apologized for being a burden. She reassured me that I was not a burden. The kids do not see it either as they are always edible to help and drop anything that they are doing to assist me. Xavier will drop a video game, Olivier finishes his part. The fact remains that they do it and never ask why me or why do i need help. Olivier has helped me as a support walking through the house. No complaints. My sister has says that if I need help she will drive up from Toronto and help out. Close by friends, neighbors and colleagues have offered. Mel and I disagree that this is easy, but it is. There is one option, you do what you need to see survive. If that is drinking protein, then it is my new favorite drink.
I have managed to eat and drink quite a bit today, but if has been a struggle and it was not easy to get through the day. I just believed in the power of love to make it through. Mel prepared most of my food and drink and it worked out fairly well. Olivier had wanted to eat Shakshuka for dinner so I had prepared by making baguettes a couple of days ago. Mel had to help me out with dinner as my energy starts to wane as the day progresses. I managed to take a nap today but I still feel a bit cold when I leave the incubation of my bedroom. I am going to continue with the high calorie drinks for the next couple of days. Mel spent the day cleaning and prepping today for when we get our carpet installed next week. I bought myself a new desk, but did not get the one that I had intended. I got a sit stand desk that was made with real bamboo wood and matching. As I am watching Project Hail Mary with Olivier and Mel I realize how cold I am. When I am cold it is to the core and it has quite the impact. I can deal more easily with all of the issues from yesterday and today, but the coldness is hard. It does not help that I can still feel internal shifting. I wanted to shower today since I have not for months on end and dirt is accumulating on my body. Because of the tubes I need to tape it up to make sure it does not get wet. It is quite the ordeal to get it done, and Mel and I had fun doing it today. With time it will get better I am sure. I have gained a bit of weight and today I am sitting at 138.2lbs. After my shower I feel much better, but now I am attaching Xavier’s dangler to his mask. I sew the lace together so that there is no chance of it coming off. Normally I can do all of this in about 30min. Now with the tingling in my hands and the fatigue I am a bit slower. I have come to the realization tonight that I will never be able to live on my own again. There are too many small things that I need help with. If required I would be able to, but the energy expenditure would be exhaustive and I am not sure how long I could last for. As I am working on Xavier’s mask I need to take a break and gain some energy before I proceed. It should be a simple task, but it comes at a cost and I would say that today I am still operating between the 50 and 75% window. Tomorrow we will be bringing Xavier’s girlfriend to the house to hang out and he is going to make her lunch, and then we will proceed to his game and then his grandmother’s for dinner. It is quite the fun filled day and I am curious on how it will go. Wish me luck.
QHM