As I was in the shower last night I was thinking that this was tough, that I was not sure how I was going to handle all of it. I let the warm water cascade over my head and I stood there thinking about what changed from last year to now. Why was I allowing myself to feel like this. I decided that I was not going to let my body be dictated by the sensation of fatigue or not being able to do things and I felt much better. I think that lately I have spent a lot of time documenting everything because this is all new and I wanted a good record of what was going on. I need to report back to the oncologists and nurses about the effectiveness of the treatment and seemed to have forgotten that I can influence how I feel and how I do things. If I think that I will feel like crap then it will manifest as any little thing will be a trigger to validate it. A simple mindset reset made things easier, but it does not mean that the fatigue and tiredness is not real. It just means how do I want to deal with it and I will not let it reside at the forefront of my head. I need to think what little thing can I do, and then do it. A cumulation of lots of small things can result in big benefits. If I am cooking I do my mise en place and then take a break. I can not do things like i used to, so now I need to adjust. I know the patterns that occur now and can utilize that to my advantage on knowing when to push and how. Just because I need to do things differently now does not mean that I need to stop.
The bedroom is ridiculously warm right now and it is awesome. Once I get my office back I will be able to superheat my room the same way. I think that i also need to get some more small space heaters to keep in various rooms like each bathroom and my office. Ideally i would like to buy 3 more, so I will go to Costco and convince Mel to allow me to buy more. Today has been a pretty solid day as I have done quite a bit and I am fine. I ended up doing work yesterday when Mel was away but I went to bed fairly early. I was in bed before the kids, but I am not sure if I slept well because i kept on having dreams of cooking for today. Mel is back tomorrow and I welcome her return, as right now I can not just holler and have things delivered to me. I am required to go get it myself as the kids are not home. Though when she was at work she would not come home to get me water from the kitchen, in fact most people do not. My mother in law keeps on telling me to ask her for help, and I have repeatedly asked for flan for 20 years and still nothing. i ask for coconut water from the fridge in the coffee area and still nothing, though I am sure she would send my father in law. Neuropathy has decreased, but i am not sure if it is because of my super heated room, and fatigue has been non-existant today since I decided that being tired is for suckers. As I am doing work this afternoon I am listening to my happy writing music which tends to be a bit angry. I remember my sister would be playing some video games at times and i would be blasting my music and she would ask me how coud i study to some of the music that i was listening to.
Growing up my sister would play some video games occasionally, but as she has gotten older I do not think that she plays anymore. The controls are so much different from when we grew up, from the 1 button on the atari and slowly getting more and more buttons as we moved from the Sega Genesis to the various Playstation machines. With all of the buttons now I know that it is too much for my mother to play as she liked some of the simple games.
My luncheon today went well and people are always surprised at how good the Ful medames is. It is a simple dish that I enjoy eating and it sits well with me so I do enjoy eating it. The only real downside is that I can not eat a lot of it as it is quite filling. I had also made some beef kofta that I cooked over charcoal and a garlic sauce. The kids will now have more options for lunches as well. Xavier for tomorrow will have the option of chinese food from my parents today, pizza, meat pie, and the beef kofta with pita bread. Being in the kitchen does not tire me out, so I do enjoy being there. Last night Mel and I had a video call and time flew by so quickly as we chatted, it reminded me a bit of when we were in grad school and she was in Toronto and we would chat about randomness. Olivier came in and saw that I was talking to Mel and I gave him the phone to chat with her and it is amusing because he is all excited to talk to her, until all of a sudden he is not. He then just stops talking gives me back the phone and says that he is done and runs out of the room. This morning I got a call from my oncologist nurse asking if i wanted to cancel my appointment this afternoon. The nurse said that this was an addon appointment and if everything was ok we did not need to meet. I think that he had a lot of work to do today so if he could get some free time he would take it. He must have known that Mel was out of town, so he knew it was pointless meeting with me because i would tell him that everything is awesome. There would be no one there to refute my claims and he would not know any better. I do not mind as it is an hour out of my day and I have enough medical appointments as it is.
Q