Xavier had his first hockey game yesterday and he had stayed home from school because we told him that there was no other goalie and he has to play. As a child when he first decided he wanted to be a goalie we had told him you can not miss games. You have a responsibility to be there if you are the only goalie. During the second period he was a bit light headed and was not feeling the greatest. When I had spoken to a friend earlier he assumed that Xavier would get a shutout and I said no, he will let in a couple because I knew he had not eaten much and was not feeling the greatest. If the other goalie was there he would not have played and would have stayed home most likely. His team tied 3 to 3 and he had stopped numerous breakaways but him being my son he did not like his play. He got team MVP and he is always cranky when he receives it after a game where he feels that he did not do enough to help the team win. I watched a convocation speech where the person had discussed that when describing themselves they would define themselves with labels, but when they lost those labels the way that they identified themselves shattered and they realized that is not what defined them. When I think of Xavier what I think of is reliable meticulous execution. In every thing that he does if he says that he will do it you can trust that it will be done. He does not xur corners and will work on small things until things work out perfectly. In the morning he tweaks his routine to optimize his arrival at the bus stop. He plans with Mel when he needs to leave to show up at the scheduled time. We have the same quirk that when we say we want to leave at a time that means we are in the vehicle pulling out of the driveway at that time. Mel sees it as a suggestion to start getting ready to leave at that time.
Mel drove Xavier to hockey tonight out in Capreol and by the time she gets back Olivier is supposed to be sleeping and I will be as well most likely. Mel said to make sure that I tell Olivier to go to bed and I said no. I tell him that I am going to bed and it is his responsibility to put himself to sleep. My method works because he knows that there is no safety net reminder and he will setup timers and notifications to help prompt him. Olivier is reliable empathetic and resourceful. I had told Mel that i wanted to take a bath tonight and she told me that I should tell Olivier to clean the bathtub for me. He did it without complaint and understanding that I needed his help. Where the two of them differ though is that Olivier will figure out what can be use around him to make things a bit easier. He also picks up on some social cues better than Xavier and helps me out when he sees me struggling with things. Olivier was prepping some frozen strawberries for a snack and he pours some out for me the amount that he thought was ideal. Mel told him to put some back because it was too much. After it all melted it was not. I told him after that Mel had to be fired and he wanted the job as household garbage manager now. He hates dealing with garbage.
I have struggled with a lot these last few days, but I am trying to be resilient and push through it as best as I can. My weight is dropping which is not a good thing as I know that my eating has decreased. When I eat I am not full but I do not want to eat anymore. If I keep on pushing it may result in nausea, so the last couple of days i have dropped roughly a pound a day. Most of the food that I have tried have not been super successful. A craving that I have had though is mantou, which is a plain steamed bun that is slightly sweet. My mom likes them too and next weekend when we go away for Xavier’s BJJ tournament we will get some to bring home. They taste like nothing so Mel does not like them. I also want some youtiao which is referred to as Chinese long donut. It is deep fried dough that is eaten as breakfast or with congee. We are starting to run out of food in the house to make dinner and lunches for the kids. Mel refuses to go grocery shopping because I do not know why, so we will go tomorrow night. I think she is avoiding it because she does not want me to question why she is over budget and she spent all of our money on magic beans instead of food for the family. As the day progressed and I napped and conserved my energy I started to feel better. Hopefully I can sleep tonight and it will be a non-issue. It has been a bit difficult to clear my mind of everything and fall asleep. It use to be easy, but I have a lot more on my mind now like can I survive going through this treatment again when it has been so hard this time. In the night I am very cold and in the day I can superheat the room to nap. Mel will not be home for a while so I will increase the temperature in the room. She said that when everything is renovated she will go to the office and sleep on the day bed. It is much colder there. When we go to the hotel I think that I am going to want the heated blankets because Olivier is in the room with us and we have a spread of 10 degrees on what we think is comfortable.
Mach