I chat with Olivier via Discord. Years ago before Xavier had a phone we had set up accounts with both of them so we can message each other. They both use it with their friends for gaming and Olivier always has interesting quotes that he posts. A lot of times they are inspirational from various shows he watches. Xavier went to go coach his cousin this morning and Mel had gone with him. I am not having the best of days as I did not sleep super well last night. I messaged him to make me some hard boiled eggs to eat and saw the quote of the day. It is from Avatar the last Airbender from a character called Uncle Iroh. The quote is “Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel. You can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving… you will come to a better place.” Perseverance is key when things seem to be uncertain. This morning while Mel and I were lying in bed I had told her that today was hard and it was tough. She replied that this is all hard and that I should not think that it is easy. There are times where I do think it is easy, when I feel like I am in control. It becomes very difficult though when persistent fatigue kicks in. Mel thinks that I look horrible today and she was wondering if I was in pain or anything. I am not really in pain, nor am I overly cold. The issue today is that I feel really tired, but this is also the 3rd week of treatment in a row. Mel reminded me that this is the first time that I have had 3 treatments in a row as we have disrupted them before. This one was also a day early as we shifted the schedule to Wednesday. What concerns me about this is when we need to go out of town for a tournament and whether I can or not. I think that I am going to try and take the steroids and sleeping pills and see if that helps. Tonight I will take a sleeping pill to see if that helps me sleep through the night and hopefully get some rest. I just need to do what I need to get through hour by hour and day by day. This treatment also seems to result in me having bloody noses all of the time this week and the ascites build up has ramped up considerably since we started this new treatment. I have gained another 3lbs since my last weigh in 2 days ago. Whenever there is buildup at the back of my mind I always worry whether the cancer is progressing faster or not. I am struggling to eat today as the texture and tastes of a lot of things are turning me off.
Life throws so many curveballs at you. I am sure that this is not what Mel expected or lives to be 20 years ago. She has been my personal support worker for the last while watching complaint. I think that emotionally today has been hard on me, but she just asks me what do you need me to do. Eating today has been difficult with taste and texture. Grapefruit is ok, a lot of other things are not. We have cured salmon in the freezer and that is what I am going to try now. I will have it either with soy sauce or with a dill mustard and lemon. I think that the texture of this will work fine for me. Mel has never cut sashimi before but she will do this the best that she can. The last couple of months she has seen me struggle a lot more than I normally do and she will always patiently ask what do I need. I have been laying in bed motionless and I feel much better now. I think tomorrow will be a better day. I just need to take small steps and keep on moving forward.
Quoc Hao