Last night after we arrived in Toronto, Mel decided to make the executive decision to drive home. The van was no longer making any sounds and the thought of taking all of the suitcases up to either my sister’s place or a hotel did not appeal to her very much. At this point in time our bodies think it is midnight, so ww would be driving and arriving home at approximately 11pm, but our bodies would think it was 5am. There was also the forecast of rain for the whole drive home and Mel is not fond of driving in the rain with her glasses at high speed. We left and went to an On Route to get some gas and food. This is where I made my first mistake. I did not use my wheelchair and decided to walk in and use the facilities and look for food. The closer washroom was being cleaned so I had to go over the far one. For most people this would not have been a big deal. With the plane ride and leaving my caloric and water intake right now are abysmal. I have no energy, nor any desire to eat because it is quite uncomfortable. And this is the catch-22 we are facing now, I need to eat because I need to build up the energy and I always had thought that I could power my way through it. I am going to admit that it has been extremely tough the last two days. This is what leads to worsening conditions in cancer patients where they whither away. I bought a bagel with cream cheese to eat but I did not eat it as I was not feelig comfortable and my stomach felt off. I had a bowel movement in the morning prior to us leaving so things should have been fine. We got back onto the road and Mel was driving 80 in some areas and everyone was passing her. She said that she did not feel comfortable driving but by this point we were past Barrie and had to at least make it to Parry Sound. She had wanted to pull over in Parry Sound and rest for a bit before continuing. This is where we got to mistake #2. I told her that I could drive and took over and told her to rest. I am more comfortable than she is and drove much faster. There was a difference in about 40km/h between her and me. I told her to get some rest because I thought I could give her an 1 hr and 15 minutes of reprieve. While driving I felt fine and I broke things down into 15 minute intervals. Drive 15 minutes and see how I feel and if fine I can continue and Mel can rest. We switched just after Barrie and then I drove to nearly Britt. She only had to go the remaining 1 hr drive and she said she was fine. At this point I was not feeling well and told Mel that we might need to pull over at some point. We ended up having to do it and I did something that I never thought that I would have to on the side of the road and then we continued forward. I had quite a bit of discomfort for the rest of the drive. Once we arrived at home, I tried to enter by myself and go to the washroom and then bed. I was getting so light headed that I had to have Mel assist me in sitting down at the island. I am quite sure that I would have fainted if it was not for her. She got me settled and then helped me to the washroom and then to bed. I was so physically fatigued by all this that it was extremely difficult. The last two days have been the most difficult days I have ever had with treatment. I used will power to power my way through the On Stop and to help Mel drive home, but at an extremely high cost. The energy drain afterwards is extremely drastic. After today I understand the struggle that other cancer patients go through more.
Whenever we listen to music, Mel always wants to look at the lyrics and understand them more. She likes a good song with lyrics. I am not sure if I have mentioned this song before but it is something that really resonated with me over the last couple of days. The message of the song is having a supportive partner guide easing the load and being a guidiing light. She has been a beacon of strength through this all and has always been there for me without hesitation of questions, regardless of what the task is. She mentioned today that I can not whither away and if things progress south we will need to get an IV and some home treatment. She is right, and I can go into the cancer center and have them insert the port a cath and then I can get some home treatment. I think I am hestitant because it means I am declining, and I do not want that. When I have a purpose I can power through and do things a bit better. I need to at least try and eat 7 or 8 meals a day. It was not difficult when I was in Barcelona but I am struggling now. We have adapted and we will see how things progress. It is difficult to see things from the positive side when it seems like you are fighting your own body. I am lucky though that I have Mel has my guiding light to lead me in the right direction.
Quoc Hao