Last year at this time we were explaining to the kids what the PICC line was and how I would have a tube coming out of my arm for a couple of months. Originally they were going to leave it in there for the whole time. This would have meant it was in my arm until August. We showed the kids what the PICC line was and what it meant. I started to buy things to cover it so I could shower and when I first started the treatment I remember thinking it was not so bad. Right now reflecting on what I had gone through last year, at this moment I am not sure how I would be going through it. The chemo was not bad, but the radiation and chemo were tough. When I had the PICC line inserted last year I felt the whole thing. I remember the local anesthesia not working well after the doctor gave me the maximum dosage that she was allowed to give. She asked me if she should stop and I told her to just keep going and I would just put up with it. I could feel the tube being pushed into me the whole time, going up my arm and into my chest. At this point I realize that it was nothing compared to the pain in pulling out the tube from my stomach. To this day I have no interest in having a feeding tube or anything inserted into my stomach. The pain in removing that was excruciating as it made a whole side of my body numb. Right now if I eat too much then I get pain shooting up my side and it reminds me of that pain. In less than 1 month I will get scanned again to see if the cancer is there or not and that is what the routine is. Right now I do not think I would be ready to go through treatment again if things were positive. It reminds me a bit of having a baby. When you are going through the sleepless nights and all the difficulties all the hard stuff is what you think of. Then time passes and you remember all of the good things. Not enough time has passed right now for me to think that I can go through it all again easily. I still have an aversion to some food. If I knew that I was going to have to go through it again I would try and gain more weight now and just bulk up before I start treatment again. If it was just chemo I think I could handle that, but I fear it would be a combination as the chemo by itself did not seem to have much impact.
The only reason why this has been on my mind is because it is approaching 1 year now since I started treatment and the last scans have shown no signs of it. The longer I can go with clean scans the better. If it came back I know that my mindset would change again. I would refuse to be beaten by something like that. I think of my kids and Xavier has an interesting mindset when it comes to hockey. His team has difficulty scoring and in order to win he needs to get a shutout. He gets minimum of 40 shots a game but he goes into each game with the goal of getting a shutout. Before each game he says he will with the power of suggestion. Even after a goal or so he does not give up and tries to win the game. Right now he is not a strong enough goalie that he can win a game on his own. If his team could score some goals I am sure that they could win, but with the lack of scoring he can not just play well. He has to be completely dominating and outstanding.
Work is starting to return to normal and I am sleeping less and less each day. It is not a bad thing. When I was feeling well I could get by with 6 hrs and function fine. It is also a method for me to gauge how well I am feeling. Right before I had cancer diagnosed I was fatigued and could not get by with less than 8 hrs of sleep. Now I can get by on less. There are a couple of hockey tournaments coming up and I am looking forward to attending them.
Olivier has his swimming lessons now and he has said that he wants Xavier to come watch him as he was forced to watch his brother at hockey so much. I think it is amusing that he wants his brother to attend because he does not want to go. I am not sure what the rules will be at the pool.
Q