I have not been feeling well today and I am not sure if it is because I am sick or whether it is subconscious anxiety from Tuesday. The reason why I am questioning it all is when I thought that we were 4 to 6 weeks out from knowing what was happening I felt great. I did not have much issues. This is a huge turning point on Tuesday as we will finally have clarity on what is actually happening. It is interesting, because when I do not feel well if i sit down at my desk, crank up the heat and just start writing, I start to feel better. It does not really matter what I write, as it is generally randomness that pops in my head when I have no updates to provide. I have said previously that this helps me journal my thoughts and later on I will see how it progresses. Mel’s mom and family read this now and my sister in law mentioned how she thought it was interesting understanding my perspective throughout this.
When I first met my sister in law she was in high school and just learning how to drive. I would pick her up at school and let her drive home to their place and we have a great relationship. Her and Mel are different in a lot of regards and we bonded over our ridiculous antics with her mom. My mother in law has the biggest heart and always wants to make sure that guests who visit are well taken care of. They would have snacks in the house that were for guests, so if Mel’s sister wanted some I would open them as I was technically a guest. She would also try and find my favorite cereal, and every time she travels to the US or somewhere she will try and find them. I found a UK version a couple of years back but they were not the same as the Canadian version.
This writing is my inner dialogue. It is a one-way mirror where I articulate what is going on in my head. I will confess that right now it is edited as I do not want to increase worry amongst people. For the most part I am quite optimistic about things, but there are occasions where I wonder if it has spread. Are the symptoms that I am showing psychosomatic or has the cancer spread. When those moments fade and I look back objectively I think it is all in my head as the pain goes or concerns do not exist unless I wonder. It is still something that is on my mind. We went out to the Keg for dinner as someone had given us a gift card. I did not eat very much and did end up throwing up in the washroom while I was there. For some reason I have been throwing up thick mucous lately. There is no food in it, but i am not exactly sure why it is happening.
Since I am talking about my sister in law today. I am grateful for all of the small things that she use to do when she worked at the hospital. When I go for my CT scan I am required to drink a contrast prior to going in. She use to drop off the contrast for me on her way home so I could drink it prior to arriving at the hospital. It saved me time as I could drink it in the comfort of my own house and mix it with other things. I appreciate her willingness to go along with all of my shenanigans. Such as buying random cakes when I use to pick her up from work. We would then come up with outlandish stories on why we had a cake. My favorite one was probably when I got a random name written on the cake and we said that some customer forgot it so we brought it home.
Mel thinks that next week is going to be rough for me. If the surgery is major it is supposed to be a 6 week recovery and we will need to lean on our friends and family to help out. If the surgery is not major, then I think that Mel is going to need emotional support. I think I will be fine either way. All that will change is what story I will write.
Mach