Since I found out that I had cancer, I have always dreaded touching my belly button where the mass is. I am fearful of every time that I touch it, that it is going to be bigger. When I touch it now, that is what is the first thing that comes into my mind, that it is larger. Last night as we were going to bed, I happened to run my hand by it and it felt “different”. There seemed to be something stuck to it and I asked Mel to shine a light on it so we could see. I am not sure if it was lint, dirt or something, but I pulled it off and I should check to see if it was dried blood or just dirt, but I have not. Something so simple like that had me a bit worried. Last night we went to see a movie that the kids have wanted to see for a while, Tron. We also realized that even though the kids love playing VR, they do not really enjoy watching movies in 3D so we will need to stop going to 3D movies. During the movie they recited a line from Frankenstein, “I am fearless, and therefore powerful.” At the time while watching the movie I thought wow, I am fearless when going through all of this. At bedtime reality struck, and I am not fearless. I do have fear. The fear is not necessarily about me though, it is more of what happens to my loved ones if I am gone. I do not have fear of the treatment or what I need to go through, but I am not fearless in what the impact is on others. I understand why some people when they go through treatments they push other people away and it is more to protect them more.
This morning Mel made a comment to me and it is something that I need to pay attention to and resolve. She told me that I am much more pleasant and friendly when I interact with strangers and when we are out in public and then when we are back home or with our family I am far more reserved and do not necessarily engaged with people as much. I did not realize whether it is true or not, but she is probably right. When talking to our parents there is always the underlying part of how I am doing. Mel mentioned that I tend to be crankier and have a more worried look on my face. Our interactions at home tend to be more transactional at the moment where we discuss what needs to be done. We talk more when we are on our shopping dates or when it is just the two of us. Regardless, she is right in the fact that with our family I am not living in the moment and have spent most of the time more withdrawn. Showing a positive face to the public and being engaging tires me, I spend my time at appointments and energy externally and when I get home I am done and need to recharge. It is not necessarily fair to the family.
With this consciously in mind it is easier to change as long as I realize that it is a problem. I am worried about how Mel will deal with things if I am out for awhile, or who will take care of Xavier at hockey. Yesterday he mentioned that he does not trust his mom with his hockey equipment, only me, but not with everything. This morning Xavier told Mel and I that he did not care about some of the small details and that he was lazy. We laughed at him as that is the complete opposite of what he is. He is meticulous to a fault and is highly structured. He has spent the last week working in his glove, steaming it and tying it up properly every day and then propping it open. His discipline is outstanding and puts Mel and I to shame. It reminds me of my sister. I spend a lot of time writing about my gratitude for Mel and my family and everything that they do, but Mel does not necessarily read this right now. She has said she is not ready to yet, which is fine. I need to make sure that I show everyone the love and appreciation in real life to those that are close to me as opposed to with just the public. It is draining for everyone around me if they need to try and be cognizant of putting more stress and pressure on me. It creates an environment at home of not disrupting me because I am trying to rest. We use to have time where Mel and I did not do any work, and I think I need to do that now but no electronics during that time and focus just on the family. I know now that I tend to try and distract myself from eating so that is what I do now. Today we are helping out with Thanksgiving so I must run off to prep some things. Enjoy the long weekend.
Q