I heard from one of my doctors today and I have an appointment scheduled in person on Friday with him followed up by a scan. I am assuming that I am going to get a tattoo to help mark to help line up radiology. Over the last couple of days I have been feeling quite tired. I am not sure if it is because I am not sleeping well, but it is a bit of a sign that I am not feeling 100%. Generally I can get by on 6 hours of sleep, but when I need more then I am normally not feeling well. My office is rather toasty at the moment as well since I have my heater blasting and it may make me feel more tired because of the nice warmth. I still have not heard back from my other two doctors and it seems that they are not in agreement on what should be done, which is something that was known. This is not as clear cut and easy as what they looked at the first time and it is easy to get lost within the system as I am not their only patient.
I realize that i am hesitant to touch my belly button area now, as in my head I do not want the perception that it is getting bigger. I do not think that it is growing fast, but it is a fear that sits in my head, what if I run my hand by it and it feels bigger. When I look at it, it is relatively the same size and it has not changed much, but that is something that is in my head, I will wake up and I think is it going to be this large mass. As days progress without me hearing from the doctors, there is also an increase in anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I think it i related to the feeling of not being in control and not being able to put order to this chaos. It is rare that I do not feel in control. What generally helps though is I refocus and not worry about it at all and just think what is it that I can control now and do that. I am struggling a bit with my eating lately as within the last week I have eaten a bit too much which results in me vomiting. When I do throw up, it is a lot of mucous at first and not that much food. It also sits extremely heavy. Once I am done that then I feel much better. I am not sure if this is some sort of a physiological response or not.
Perception trumps reality. I think that this is why it is important to focus on positive things and not dwell on the negative or worry about what you can not control. On days where I journal something earlier it seems that I do not have as much anxiety, but on the other days I am not in the mood to write either. I am not sure if the two of them are related or not, and if me not writing is because I am not feeling well and not in the mood. Lately I have been listening to a lot of songs that I use to listen to when I was in high school. Reminiscing of the past. I have a lot of fond memories of my friends during that time and all of the randomness that we use to do. I was often the designated driver as I did not drink and everyone did not have to worry about me having a drink. We did not always take my car, but I was almost always the driver. I told my kids the story of how we use to just randomly drive around as kids listening to music in the car. I listened to a lot of punk and there was a punk cover of Nothing compares to you and I remember my friends in the car with the windows down, in the middle of winter belting out the song at the top of their lungs. I have always enjoyed random road trips and if anyone suggested it I was always up for going regardless of where it was. Whether it was to Ottawa for shawarma’s or a random trip to Niagara Falls because, “why not”. I embraced the chaos and randomness of it all.
Home is not found on a map, it is found in the hearts that welcome you. I think that I have been blessed to always be surrounded by friends and by extension their families who welcomes me into their lives. I have several close friends where I have spent time with their cousins or parents without them. Visiting them when I am in their city, or developing my own relationships with them. When Mel and I first started dating I had actually stayed overnight with her aunts and uncles without her. We had not dated very long but they welcomed me into their homes. Even now when I look back I have my “Laurentian” family where I have spent a large part of my adult life at, my “HSN” family, my “Vale” family and my hockey family. There are multiple groups that I would consider family. For the most part there is not blood that ties us together, what ties us together is that they want to be part of my life and want to be there for me. I want to be present to help out those that I consider family and will do anything in my power to help them out. This attracts like minded people which allows me to create such a wonderful support system around me.
Mel made a comment to me one day when I was especially cranky one day. She said that I can be cranky and rude to our family because she knows that no matter what they will still love me regardless. It is true that all of the bonds that I consider run deep. We have strong roots, and even though the branching of our lives may have brought us in different directions, at the core we have the same principles and rally when required. I need to make sure that my words and actions reflect back the kindness that people show me instead of being dismissive or curt when I am not in the mood to engage. Luckily Mel is right and no matter how cranky or difficult I am during this, my family comprised of those related by blood and those who choose to join will always be there to support me. Knowing that I have the support helps dissipates the anxiety and provides me with clarity of purpose.
Q