Advocacy from doctors and yourself makes such a big difference. I am lucky that I have people advocating for me within the healthcare system and that they do not mind me reaching out with questions. I am supposed to hear back from my oncologist today on what we are planning on doing, but there has yet to be any answer on whether I will be getting surgery or not. The tumour review board occurs on Wednesday, and I had last spoken with my oncologists on Thursday. They are planning on performing a radiation planning scan for prep within the next couple of days, so I should hear back from someone soon. This is preparing just in case they do not go with the surgery and they go with the stereotactic radiological procedure I believe. It is always good to have contingency plans in case things do not work out. People are surprised when I tell them that I have a tattoo and then I show them the dot that they tattoeed onto me during the first round of radiation therapy.
Everything right now seems rather surreal. We know that the cancer is there, and we know that we should be starting treatment soon, but we have done nothing as of yet. It has been almost 1 month since they found it, yet we have just had tests to rule things out and not much movement on anything else. There is a bit more complications and unknowns this time compared to last time. The first time the gameplan was hit with chemo, then surgery and then another round of chemo/radiation. I am not sure what I was expecting but every day that I am waiting for an answer I feel the anxiety in my stomach. The unknown and discomfort in not knowing what comes next with the juxtaposition that if I did not know that the cancer was there I would be going through the motions unknown that it is back. For the most part I feel fine with no discomfort until the day comes where I am waiting for a phone call or someone reaching out. On those days I have the feeling of anxiety.
When I am out and about everything feels normal until someone asks me how I am feeling and then I am reminded that i have cancer and am waiting to hear what the next steps are. I can tell who has read my updates or not as I get the same questions and i think, they have not read the latest updates as I have answered this question already. I can tell when their schedule for reading is, whether it is morning, afternoon or evening. Some people may just randomly check it when they get a chance. The updates are having the intended effect though as people are being kept abreast of what is happening, reducing the amount of repetition. I do not mind when people ask, as it is not the expectation that people just get updates from my blog. It would then be like talking into an echo chamber with no feedback. I realized that when I do write though, the anxiety that I feel disappears as I focus on what do I want to share with everyone today. Even afterwards I am more calm about things.
Mel reached out to the counter top people today and they guaranteed that it would be installed by Christmas. Our dishwasher is disconnected right now as our counter is just floating on top of things and we are using our old sink. The timeline is approximately 6 weeks to cut and then install. 6 weeks seems so short and so long at the same time. I remember the first time when I was going through treatment, the doctors told me that I should expect to take 6-9 months off of work and that they would write me a letter if required. Obviously I was not going to listen and take time of work. A friend of mine mentioned that the 6 months would fly by and she was right. Once we started to have kids, time flows differently. In a blink of an eye when you are not paying attention the kids are all grown up. 6 months is a blink of an eye, yet waiting a day or a week to find out treatment plan seems like a lifetime away.
It makes me appreciate the small things a bit more. My “dates” with Melanie which is when we get to go grocery shopping without the kids. They are our moments away where we can chat and spend some time together without the chaos of the kids schedule. When we were younger I went to bed much later than Mel, but as we have gotten older she tends to go to bed after I do. I try and get up much earlier than she does. Waiting feels the same with my medical journal and the mundane day to day activities. They both require patient, trust and faith that progress is happening even when it is not visible.
Dr. Q.H. Mach