Prior to treatment starting, it is advised to get all of your dental work done as quickly as possible. Our dentist is a friend of Mel’s and last time I had to have a tooth extracted quickly so I could start treatment. If my family dentist could not do it then the one at the cancer center would. He was able to squeeze me in quickly. I knew about it this time and tried to make an appointment quickly through the proper channels. It took a while longer and I had my appointment yesterday. Mel asked if I told them that I had cancer and I had to have this done prior to treatment. I did, but unless you know me, why would you care? This is what has made me appreciate all of my connections so much more. People behind the scenes will help you out on your behalf and when you need to go through the system without any assistance it can seem much slower. I had my crown fitted and I asked what should we do with the cavity I had on my wisdom tooth. The dentist took an x-ray and saw that it had movement on the tooth, but more concerning was that even though we could fill in the cavity there was the risk of damaging the nerve and possibly leading to infection. The fact that it had movement indicated that at some point it may fall out. The options were either fill the cavity or pull the tooth. From previous experience I know that they would want it pulled. He move some appointments around and did it at this same appointment. I appreciate the consideration to have this done quickly and he told the lab to expedite the creation of my crown so it could be implanted quickly. I was not expecting to have this procedure done and it impacted my eating schedule a bit yesterday. It was difficult to eat some things as I had gauze in my mouth. They provided gauze for me to try and slow down the bleeding. It was constantly bleeding all night and even this morning there was blood in my mouth. It has subsided by now and it seems fine. Chewing food is a bit tricky still, but overall it is much better. It was difficult to talk with the gauze in my mouth and still this morning, so I have avoided talking as much as possible.
Over the last couple of weeks as more people have found out about the cancer, the kids of some of my friends have reached out in concern. They play hockey with Xavier so I am quite friendly with them. I have helped some of them with their school work over the years so they have my contact information for when they have questions. It amuses me when a 14 year old asks if there is anything that they can do to help me out. I appreciate that they are willing to help, even at such a young age. There is no much that they could do, but I am sure that they would do anything in their power to help me out. It brings about an interesting situation. At this age, how much do we tell the kids about what I am going through. We do not lie to our kids, nor do we sugar coat it. We do not tell them all of the details and different options, but if they ask I think we would. We keep everything at a simple level such as I will be doing this type of treatment or having this type of procedure. Both of my kids are very bright and they would look up things and research on their own. I am not sure if Mel talks to them about all of this, as they would most likely not talk to me about it or ask questions. There are things that they prefer me to over Mel, and it always amuses Mel when they specifically ask for me over her and tell her that she is not helpful with it. Olivier will often ask me for a hug at night over Mel. Mel will hug him like a mom would, say I love you and give a warm embrace. Not me. I try to crush him with my intimidating weight of 145lbs. As you can surmise, it is not as effective as when I was over 225lbs. I probably cause more trouble and get him all riled up as opposed to calming him down for bed, but he prefers me when he wants to be a bit rambunctious. I also tend to tell Olivier that I love him far more than I tell anyone else in the house. Olivier likes plushies and stuffed things and has a plethora of them in his room. He brings some along with us on trips all of the time. I try and steal them all the time since he was a kid and he always tells me that they are his. This then lead to me telling him that he is my teddy bear and that I am going to squeeze him tight and sleep with him. Depending on the day or time I will either tell him that he is my favorite teddy bear, my third favorite or my 18th. He use to ask who is ahead of him but now he just goes awww when I tell him he is not my favorite. This is the child that will also just randomly walk up to you and tell you that he loves you and gives you a hug. There is no reason for it, but he just shows his affection.
Yesterday I yelled at him because I was annoyed with some things, and he tends to get more emotional about things and emotions is not something that I deal well with. I am not sure what to say or do if someone is crying. Mel is far more empathetic and normally tells me to go comfort them and say I am sorry. What it made me reflect on though is some of my behaviour in my past. My mother does not like driving in the winter because of me now. She use to have to pick me up sometimes in the winter when I was younger and playing hockey. Sometimes she would be rather late and I would get mad and yell at her. I was not a filial son. Even now my mother will constantly ask me the same questions repeatedly and I am sometimes short with her. She does a lot of this out of love and it is always with positive intent. Olivier is similar in the sense that he displays his emotions much more. I need to appreciate what I have from my mother and my child and be kinder to them. My mother will pester me with the same questions daily, because she is concerned. Olivier will do things that I do not agree with, but I should not take out my anger and frustrations from other things on him. Luckily I have Mel calling me out on all of these things and helps me properly redirect my annoyance or anger to things.
In the upcoming weeks when treatments are underway and my fuse is short because I am tired I need to balance doing things pragmatically and understanding the emotions behind peoples actions. My parents and Mel are concerned, and I can be stubborn and not always do things in my best interest. I need to placate their concerns that I am actually taking care of my health and properly communicate what I am doing. The same thing with Olivier. I need to properly communicate my expectations and make sure that he understands it. Olivier and Xavier are much different and I should not try and treat the two of them the same. I have been hard on Xavier and in those instances he will have silent tears and hold in his emotions. Olivier is much different and expresses them. It is easier for me to deal with Xavier than Olivier as it more aligned with how I would do things.
Olivier’s incessant chatter and openness and my mother’s persistent questions may frustrate me at times, but they are both reminders for me. Each of them are saying the same thing in their own way. We love you. We want to share everything with you. We want to understand everything that you are going through. If I can focus on that, I can interact with them with more patience than I have been doing. In the weeks ahead, the hardest part will not be the treatments. It will be managing how I respond to those closest to me. Am I sharing how I feel? Am I communicating my needs, my fears and doubts. I need to balance my personal needs and the needs of everyone around me. I need to remind myself that this is how love shows up. Messy at times, emotional at times, but always with endless concern and support.
Quoc Hao