I spend a lot of time at the arenas. Every time Xavier has hockey it is a 3 hour commitment as he likes to be at the arena at least an hour early. On Saturday he was on the ice for 3 hours straight and Mel asked me if I wanted to come home. I am not for now. I am not sure if I will be able to go to the games or practices later on during treatment. I remember missing some of them when I went through the first time. I imagine that it will be the same. These are some of the little things that will change. I can not sit in the arena for 3 or 4 hours.
I want to watch my son get better. See what he is working on. He told me that he notices when I am walking around and when I am paying attention to him. He tells me that he can tell when I have a scowl because of the shadow of my ball cap. What amuses me though is that when I try to capture a video of him doing something wrong he always knows and corrects it prior so there is no video evidence of it. He knows that with video evidence I will show his hockey coach. I do not care what level he plays at, that only he has goals and gets better each repetition. I have told him that I will consider he is good when he can carry a team regardless of the skill level on the team. If you can only win when you have a stacked team in front of you. You are not good. Your team is. The expectation is that he gives his team an opportunity to win. He is accountable to go e them an opportunity to win. The job of a leader is to know your team and give them tasks or jobs that they will do well in and help them improve their weakness. I want Xavier to do that on and off the ice.
I have not been sleeping well the last couple of nights. I am not sure exactly why but I wake up around 3am and it takes me awhile to fall back asleep. It is fine on the weekends as I can sleep in till 7 or so, but on the weekdays I like to be up by 6:30am.
Cancer does not affect just me. It has a much bigger impact on my friends and family. Mel needs to take on a bigger role in household management. Things that I normally did I will struggle to do. I am not sure how the household is going to be fed. There are so many rules around the usage of my pans. What if someone tries to use my carbon steel egg pan. Do they realize how much energy I am going to need to expens to get out of bed to look at them with disgust? Yes. I have 1 pan whose sole purpose and only use us for eggs. It is my egg pan. That is all it can be used for. I am going to need to install a camera to watch that plan in a glass box. But you get my point. This spills into the lives of everyone. I get daily calls or texts from those close to me asking me how I feel. This is the thing though. I will always be fine because that is the only sentiment that is acceptable. I visualize myself as fine and will force myself to be. Mel and my friends are the ones that will tell me that I am not fine. I know how I feel, what I am going through. No one else does. But they are smart enough to prove, to ask me questions and to watch me to prove that I am fine. In the morning Mel called me out on it and said I was off. I had a lot on my mind and was figuring out what I had to do for today and if I would have time for other things. Once the treatment starts up I know that my processing speed slows down. I am not as quick. I can feel that I am slower post cancer compared to pre cancer. Most may not notice. But I do. Things are not as easy as they use to be. I find myself thinking what will happen this time and how much will it impact me. I do not always notice my degradation right away, just that things thZt use to come so easy and quick requires an extra second. I can not see the whole systematic view as quick. I need to think of the small parts.
There are moments where I have some concern of what the future holds. Not fear, not anxiety. Discomfort in not being in control. I love chaos and trying to organize it. In my professional life I can always see the path forward. With cancer it is murky and it seems like I am playing cards blind folded without knowing what I am holding. I received a phone call for a CT scan that I was not even aware that I had on Monday. This will help clear up the story, along with my ultrasound. If these are negative which we anticipate then the next logical step is the PET. Hopefully by the end of the week, I will know what cards I hold.