We have a great relationship with both sides of our family and it has helped in the last year. They have helped us out a lot with taking the kids or cooking us meals and desserts. Through out my whole life I have had great parental figures at each stage of my life. When I was young I had several sets of parents that helped shape who I am. I have spoken about some of them in the past. They have taken me camping or gave me experiences that were typical of Canadian kids. I really appreciated the opportunity because they were things that my parents would have never been able to do for me. As I grew older I did not necessarily spend as much time with these parents, but on occasion I would still visit them even if my friends were not around or in different cities. I appreciated the guidance and the parental advice that they provided. In University as an undergrad one of my mentors was my undergraduate and graduate supervisor in Neuroscience. When I needed a gentle nudge he would push me, and when he thought I might be arrogant he kept my ego in check.
With Mel’s family they accepted me right away. One of the interesting things growing up in Sudbury is that there was not a large population of Asians. As a minority it was quite the experience. There was racism but it was not overt. There were many instances that I remember where people were being quite racist and they were not really realizing it. One of Mel’s uncle paved the way with an inter-racial marriage into the family so it was not that big of a deal when I came along. It may not seem like a big deal, but if you have never experienced it, it is a huge thing. My friends and their families were fantastic. Some female friends of mine it was a sometimes interesting experience. The parents loved me as a friend for their daughters to hang out with, but not as a boyfriend and some of the comments were ridiculous.
Mel’s mother loves entertaining and loves giving gifts and thinking of others. When we were first dating she would always stock the house with things that I liked to eat. There was a very specific cereal that I liked and she would always look for it and buy it for when I was over there. It became harder and harder to find but she would always make an effort to find it. She would do the same for Zesty Doritos as well. These are just some of the small things. Without her I am sure that Melanie and I would forget our wedding anniversary every year. We get a phone call reminding us every year. She never forgets a birthday and every small occasion that she can celebrate she does. It is fantastic. One of the greatest things is that she is always thinking of others and gets joy from other people’s happiness. I have gone on a road trip with just Mel’s mother and I where we visited Mel’s younger sister in one city and then drove to see Mel when she was living in Toronto.
I have a fantastic relationship with Mel’s dad. We used to go grab lunch together all of the time or go to movies together. We have a lot of common interests, except he does not like sports. He will watch them, and it is amusing but he does not know a lot about it. My own father is different and is quiet. When he was growing up his father died young and I am not sure what it was like for him growing up. My own father will come up with extremely creative solutions to things and sometimes they are a bit scary or unconventional. Mel’s father has helped us a lot around the house and installing things. I have learned a lot from him and appreciate his help with a lot of it. We ended up purchasing a trailer with her parents a long time ago where we all shared it. At the time the kids were really young so we always went together. Her father taught me how to pull the 29′ trailer and he forced me to drive every time for a couple of years. Initially he took me to an empty parking lot and taught me how to maneuver it. When driving he would provide guidance to me and would make me park the vehicle at the provincial parks. Mel and her mom thought we would always argue like an old married couple, but you need to yell a bit when one person is at the back. I appreciated the forced driving and lessons because now that we have our own trailer I am quite comfortable driving and parking it on my own. I can do it on my own but I still appreciate the advice and guidance he has provided.
With all of the issues I have had this year, it is fantastic to have the grandparents watch the kids. Both sets of grandparents have similar values that we have but with some small nuances. Their ideals mostly align with our own but we give them some freedom to be spoiling grandparents. Each side spoils the kids in different ways. On Mel’s side there are small gifts here or there and with any occasion. For my own parents they are like a restaurant and will make customized meals for each child daily. They also randomly give them money or buy random toys when they find the at super cheap sales. It is safe to say that they had their grandparents wrapped around their fingers. My parents are notoriously bad for feeding the kids whatever. If you are Asian I am sure that you are aware of the trait where they ask you if you have eaten as soon as you walk in the house and you are judged by how much you eat. The kids are good if they eat a good portion at dinner. When my parents bring food to our house now there is enough food to last for a week for the whole family. My mother is having a hard time adjusting to my new stomach.
When Olivier was younger and my parents babysat the kids in the summer when we were at work she would give the kids any treats. Olivier liked this marshmallow and would ask for it all of the time. The rule was they can eat that stuff at the grandparents but they were not suppose to bring it home. I went to pick up the kids one day and Olivier had those treats. My mother told him that he could not bring them home. He replied that it was ok, he would eat them all before Melanie got home. That is Olivier.
I love how we have such a great relationship with both sides of the family and how they all get along together. I have spent time with her side of the family without her and it was not uncomfortable and they were very welcoming. I appreciate the relationship we have with everyone and am grateful that we have them all in our life. An issue that arises with people with cancer is that caretakers experience burnout from doing everything on their own and neglecting their own needs. Our family helps out and though Melanie does 90% of all the things, we do have family help out. Hopefully now I can start to do more so she is not doing everything on her own.
Quoc Hao