February 6th – Dead or alive

We use to always tell Olivier that we got him discount from Treasure Hunt. He was on sale so we decided to take him home with us. There is a Treasure Hunt right by our hotel and he remembered our ridiculous stories. He always has all sort so stories and always wants to share them. This morning leaving the hotel was a bit rough. I was anxious as it has snowed over night and traffic is atrocious in this weather. We also had to check-in again at the hotel so Xavier’s key would work. It was a bit of a debacle. I had forgotten to check in and we had to do it in person. We did not want to tell our son that he might not be able to get back in the room as that would make him quite anxious. Olivier kept on trying to relay stories to us the whole drive and we just wanted a bit of silence. We dropped him off at my sister’s and proceeded to Princess Margaret. We parked and were in the lobby of the hospital when I realized that I did not have my phone. Mel gave me her phone as she has two and went to look for my phone in the vehicle. She could not find it. She called me and I was on my way back. Apparently it fell out of the van and was in slush by the door and she met me half way. This was not the start to the morning that we wanted.

Princess Margaret is a beautiful hospital and the staff were super friendly. We arrived for our appointment a bit early and they took some measurements and we went in. Over the course of the next 2 hrs and 45 minutes we spoke with 3 doctors, and 2 people for research. We first started with 1, they would leave and add another and we would chat again. Finally all 3 doctors were there with us for a chat. The big thing that they want to confirm is that you know why you are there and you are aware that this will not cure you. Just make things a bit better for you. The consensus was that they were surprised I am still alive after my initial diagnosis. They would have expected with how aggressive my cancer was that by this point in time it would have progressed far faster. The clinical trial is a phase 2 trial. There is 1 control group and 2 treatment groups at different dosages. The control group gets the standard treatment, exactly like I would get in Sudbury and the other two groups have a new drug that targets the aggressive cancer cells. The thing is we do not know whether the drug is effective or not. If I am in the control group I should still come down and do this. They all said that I am a great candidate because I am better off than most of the other patients that they see. Within the waiting room itself there was a stark contrast between the patients arriving and me. I had Mel, a Natalie Portman look alike with me while they all had boring looking people. The doctors said that the strategy will be I am on chemo until it does not work anymore and then they switch to a new drug. This continues until 1.) I die, 2.) they find a cure 3.) I tap my heels, snap my fingers and say there is no place like home and wake up from this simulation. The part that was a bit difficult for Mel I think is when they told her the numbers. The most likely outcome is 13 months from now things will take a turn. The 5 year survival rate is approximately 5%. When I heard those numbers I was rather positive about it. My sister thinks that I will beat them just to prove that I am better and that they are wrong. She is not wrong about that perspective. That is the way that I see it. The decision may also be taken away from us as it requires that the cancer is 1cm in size. If it is smaller than I can not participate in the trials. If we choose to participate it will require me to come to Toronto every 2 weeks for 3 days for the rest of my life. I think that is the part that is daunting for Mel. She had thought that the trials would be a finite timeline, but the end date is treatment failure. This is the decision that we need to make. Are we willing to sacrifice family time every two weeks for a treatment that may or may not work. We will make a decision this week. I might just figure it out on my own and look at othet alternatives as well.

QHM