September 11th – Mastering the Scowl

Having a close circle through difficult times is both a blessing and a curse. You get to lean on them to help you at your darkest hour. But at the same time you force them to live it with you. Their days are impacted just as much as your own. You could argue even more. I have the luxury of always knowing how I feel and what my course of actions are. When you are sitting on the other side you worry stress and remember all of the little things that you take for granted. The little things are appreciated more but there is the wonder of how they are doing and do they need assistance. My illness does not only impact me but every one who has chosen to be associated with me. This burden is willingly shared across their shoulders. But I am also fully aware of the impact that it has on them. It disrupts and distracts. People are worried about calling me to bother me. I do not mind people reaching out. If I am busy or can not talk I will flat out tell people. My phone will generally not be on much when I go through treatment as I do not want to awoken if I am sleeping.

This was the intent of these writings though. Everyone is welcome to my thoughts during this journey. This is my method of connecting with those who are concerned about me. I have nothing to hide and hopefully I can assuage the fears of others that I am doing ok. This will be all right. This journey does not scare me. It is an opportunity to build resilience and appreciate what I have.

Several people talked to me about visualization and seeing yourself in a better place. I am in a good place surrounded by so much supportive people. When I see myself I do not despair or think that I might succumb to my illness. What I see and what I feel is me over coming this. I refuse to be beat by this. If modern medicine can not help me. I fill find a cure myself. I see myself watching my kids grow up, getting married and having kids. I will be the grumpy old man. I have been practicing now yelling at the neighbors kids to get off the lawn. They do not listen. Xavier over the weekend was practicing scowling like me and he said it gave him a headache. It takes years and years of practice to master the disapproving Asian father glare. I should have started practicing when I was Xavier’s age and I would have mastered it by now. Maybe he has it right by starting now. I visualize myself teaching my grand kids how to scowl at their parents while giving them a look of disdain. See? I got this visualization stuff down pat.