Even though that quote is attributed to me, Xavier is the one that said it.
Today I started telling more people at work as my presence will have an impact on the work that they are doing. Everyone has been awesome and tell me to focus on my health and not worry about work. The thing with work though is that it helps keep your mind off things and provides a purpose and focus. If you do not have anything than you sit there and just think about your illness or how you feel. I understand that people struggle with the treatments and it is difficult to work though. I have experienced it at the cancer center. I have also read on the forums and groups about the impact it has on personal relationships.
I think that is the hardest part for me really. Not my relationships with people, nor with me dealing with this. But the impact that this has on other people. I am aware of how difficult that this will be on Mel and her unspoken fears. It is tough because she understands what I am going through and she does not want to burden me with any negative thoughts. My friends who may be going through their own trials and tribulations are concerned with me as well. The focus is on me right now while I go through this. I am grateful this as there are so many stories and incidences of people going through this all alone. Doing this with a great support system is hard enough as it is. Going through it by yourself is something that I do not wish on anyone.
I have been reflecting though on what is the legacy that I am going to leave behind. When I was talking to Mel last night she mentioned that she would be sad if I would not be able to cook in our new kitchen while I was going through treatment. The kitchen is designed for me, especially with all of the higher end appliances and things that I insisted on. You need to sit through a 1 month course in order to use all of my new toys and she does not have any interest in that. Once my parents find out I am sure that they will bring food every day to feed everyone. If anyone wants anything to eat they can make an order and it will be delivered to my house. The kids talk to my parents now and order food from them. Even now after 5 years my mom does not think I eat enough. The kids would rather we eat at home then eating out at restaurants.
While Mel and I were chatting she was getting frustrated by this whole situation. Today I was thinking about some of the things that we spoke about. How she was saying that we try and do good in the world. So it made me think. What is my legacy. What impact have I made in this world. Olivier tells me that all of his friends are scared of me because I do not smile and have a scowl on my face. Xavier tells me the same thing. Whenever he comes off the ice and looks at me I look at him with a scowl. He mimics me all of the time with the serious look. I say that he is pretty accurate with it.
From my kids point of view I am a stern ATM who cooks for them. Both of my kids are aware that they are lucky though.
As more people find out about the cancer the more people offer help. I am pretty sure that i could easily have home cooked meals provided daily from everyone if asked. This is the legacy that I want my kids, family and friends to embody. When times are tough, for everyone to rally around and help each other in whatever way you can. It is very difficult to go through things on your own. Surround yourself with love from every one and interact with everyone with the best intentions. When you are kind and help out people, the positive karma comes back. Mel and myself are in a situation that is less than ideal. We can not control that. But what we can control is how we frame things going forward. We have built a legacy of love amongst our family and friends. The positivity is now being returned to us 1000x fold.
Q
Love you!