Like all families, my family has some odd quirks that I do not understand. Within the last 1 or 2 months we have had several deaths in our family. One is my uncle, my father’s brother in Vietnam and the second was my cousin in Vancouver. My mother has been trying to shield me from all this and does not want anyone to tell me. Mel found out via Facebook. I was not very close to my uncle and do not have much memory of him. I have chatted with him via video chat a couple of times but I do not know if I have met him in person. Mel is connected to my cousins on Facebook. My cousin in Vancouver died after a year long battle with cancer. His father is my dad’s older brother and his mother is my mom’s older sister. We do not share things in our family and when my oncologist had asked about cancer history we did not have much to tell them as we do not know. I do not even know what type of cancer he has as my mother has informed every one not to tell me. I just know that it was inoperable, which indicates most likely stage 4, a major organ or brain cancer. I am not as close to my cousins as we were when we were younger. Distance and family obligations have led to more of a drift. I understand now the reason why there was so much sadness in my mother’s voice when she spoke with me at times. I have also worked in making more of an effort to chat with her and not blowing her off. Perspectives change things. It is important to make sure that every interaction is positive as you do not know what the future holds. Since no one is willing to tell me what type of cancer he had I wonder if it was something similar to me.
In a situation like this though I think that I have a distinct advantage to him. I am in a healthcare system where I have internal cheats. I have a doctor who is my friend and “no treatment” was not an option. I have friends that would help me out financially if that was a barrier. I have a sister that is willing to drop everything to come help me out with anything in Sudbury. I do not know what kind of a support system he had, but this is one area where I am not lacking. With all of my friends, neighbours and random acquaintances I can focus on getting better and not sweating the small stuff. The amount of research that everyone has done to provide me with different alternative options for treatment is amazing.
Reflecting on everything it is quite remarkable how everyone does their best in their own way to help me out. He managed to survive his battle for a year before he succumbed. I reached out to my cousin and she confirmed that he had stage 4 stomach cancer. She was not aware and I provided a link to my blog as proof because who would believe that your brother and cousin who share the same genes would both have stomach cancer at a young age. She is also of the belief that the older generation is too unwilling to share information. My cousin asked me if I was scared and I replied no. I do not plan on living in fear or something that is inevitable. At some point I know that I will most likely die. I am not sure if I will be ar to transfer my consciousness to a computer in time before the end of my lifespan. I do not want to live in fear of missing out on something or with regrets. There will always be what ifs, but I think I would rather focus on the positive things in life and not worry about what is beyond my control. I will setup a trust fund so I can have my mausoleum built with a statue of me with a disapproving scowl on my face. It will allow people to remember me properly. Everyone is against this idea so I will need a steward to help me out when this.
I have said it in the past that I wanted to focus on gratitude and when I am tired it is difficult to do. After the events of yesterday with my cousin it has sharpened my mind a bit and it is important to me to try and do it daily. I will start with my father. Hearing the stories of what my parents went through to get us here is unbelievable and I do not know if I would have the strength to do it. I will relay some of those once I am done treatment if I have not shared it yet. Growing up, my father did. It spend much on himself and saved all of his money in hopes of making things better for my sister and myself. He did it without a second thought and would spend money on us and scrimp and save for himself. I have a reputation for spending a lot of money but given the choice of spending it on myself or spending it on Mel or the kids. I will choose them without hesitation. I have wanted to buy a 3D printer for a long time but have not. I keep on hesitating because it is a want and not a need. I spent 3 times the cost on laptops for the kids without hesitation. My father saved money for a year to buy me my first computer when most people did not even have one. He bought me a Commodore 64 from Kmart in the mall. As I grew up he had a friend who sold computers and he bought me one from him. At the time when I got all of this, computers were not common in the house and most people did not have their own. When I was in Grade 2 I had access and started programming simple things. I am not sure how I convinced him that I needed one, but he purchased it for us. I am lucky that financially I am in a different situation as he was and I can more easily afford to spoil my kids. I am not sure if I ever showed as much gratitude when I was younger. We never told each other that we love each other in the house, but it was felt through unsaid actions and small sacrifices. As an adult I openly tell everyone that I love them. I tell my parents it all of the time and will keep on saying it to my mother until she says it back. My father sacrificed a lot for our family and he almost died because of his sacrifices several times. I would like to believe that I have the stubbornness and resolve to do whatever it takes for my family. It is a trait that I think has helped me out a bit now. Never give up hope regardless of what the situation is. I know that if something happened to one of my kids I would be devastated and do not know how I would recover. With the passing of my cousin my uncle and aunt feel the same way.
Something scary is that in my generation both my cousin and I suffered from stomach cancer. They are different, but it makes me a bit worried for my brother. I think he needs to be cognizant of the warning signs and get checked as quickly as possible if anything comes up. By the time they found it in my cousin it was terminal. He struggled with eating and at his weight dropped below 100lbs at the worst. I treat everything like an experiment and track all information in search of patterns.
I slept very poorly last night and for some reason I realized one of the servers was having issues and for God knows what reason tried to fix it from my phone. Previously I had written self correcting scripts and they all seemed to work after a reset. I have been quite tired today for most of the day. I have written this off and on for most of the day so if may seem a bit disjointed. I recieved a phone call from my dietician today as she is off for the rest of the week. She said that most people lose weight during this type of treatment and have diarrhea. I have neither and have actually gained weight. The key is to see if I can maintain this over the next couple of days as we travel to Ottawa. I have prepped some snacks and food to bring along and have checked out options nearby to order food as well. Ottawa has some great food that I am looking forward to eating. Hopefully I can maintain my weight for the next couple of days. As long as we avoid eating with the team, we will probably not end up eating deep fried food. The team needs to choose safe options for everyone and those tend to be more pub style food as opposed to healthier options. I do enjoy Ottawa pizza and shawarmas though, so i need to eat them at least once in our 5 days there. My mother also requested some herbs and I will go buy them if we get a chance to go to T&T. I am going to get a referral to a physiotherapist so I can start an exercise routine after treatment is done. I told my dietician that I want to gain more muscle mass as I am expecting that I will need to go through treatment again at some point and I want to be stronger for the next time. I am ok with the thought of having to go through something like this every 4 or 5 years. I have a lot of knowledge that I have documented at this point that I can always look back on to see what worked. I write when I have the energy and some days it is cohesive and coherent throughout. Some days like today the writing is mor abrupt and dances all over the place as I pick up on things when I have the energy. It captures my fatigue levels and what I think of when I am in these states. In extreme fatigue there is less dialogue and it is more clinical outlining what I am going through. Reflection takes more energy and then forward planning requires more expenditure. We will track how the writing is while traveling next.
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