I think that I am starting to see the cumulative impact from the treatments. This morning I woke up and every thing seemed ok, but last night I told Mel that I would make Olivier’s lunch in the morning. Upon reflection I am not sure if that was the best of ideas. I have started to unload the dishwasher as well and with all of the motion I can get fatigued. I am too weak to open jars so I drain energy doing that. The issue is that I do not eat first thing in the morning as if I drink coffee I can not eat at the same time. I felt the impact of this quite early as my fatigue set in around 10:00 am as opposed to 12:00 today.
When I arrived for my treatment today my area was jam packed with people. Each treatment machine has their own waiting area and today my area was packed. I was a bit nervous about that as I assumed that we were behind. We were not and they were just there early like I like to be. I try and arrive 30 minutes early and they were the same. With the way the traffic is right now with the poor weather it is better to be safe than arrive late. The last two days i had 2 technicians who recognized me from when I was here last. I made enough of an impression on them that they remembered me. Today the girl was someone who saw me when I was at my weakest. She was very kind and at the time I was being pushed into treatment in a wheelchair I was so weak. She remembered some of the stories that I had shared with her. I had also worked with her sister at Vale, but she has told me that she remembered some of the things that I had shared with her and it would pop up o ln occasion. The one from yesterday remembered me as well and some of the ridiculousness and things that we shared. I do not remember a lot during that time but I remember one day that I went in, treatment was delayed and I had been fasting and had not eaten since the previous night. I was extremely dehydrated at this point and drinking anything was painful as it it physically hurt my throat. I had a massive migraine and had a lot of trouble functioning as the stimulation and all of the lights in the hospital was painful. I do not cry very often and never really did as a child, but when I have had some migraines I am not sure exactly why but it will trigger a salty discharge that people call tears. I remember crying in the wheelchair and just being in immense discomfort and pain. The person I had today was there and were a comforting presence. I do not remember the aftermath of everything but I recall sitting in the wheelchair and requiring help to move and then dimming the lights in there for me. It is a reminder that no matter how strong you think you are, you are still going to have moments of weakness. In these moments it is fantastic to have people that will help you out. People always seem to remember me and it is amusing that I leave such an impression. I am not sure if I have the same physical stature now, but it is hard to not remember a large Asian who is spouting constant nonsensical stories. I am grateful that I had such an impression on people that they remember me years later and remember positive things that I have said.
Today I was reading something about the difference between being criticizing and critiquing which I thought was interesting. The primary distinction was when you critique it is done with clinical detachment and assessed as if you are testing a hypothesis. Criticizing has a focus more on finding fault in something. One is seen as positive and supportive in understanding why something occurs and the correcting while the other focuses on blame and fault. I think that it is a fine line as a parent on what you do and how it is taken. I know that my parents do it for everything in life as a means to get better and without necessarily the negative intent. Sometimes when you are on the other side it is hard to differentiate it. Xavier is very good at seeing some thing as critique to understand why it happens and then get better. Olivier takes every thing as criticism and negative but he is getting much better and understands accountability much better now. He is starting to get those concepts better and is showing a lot of growth.
It is really easy to be critical of our healthcare system and how it functions. There may be delays and things that happen that are outside of someone’s control. You do not really ever know what problems anyone is going through so I think that it is important that we do not criticize people for their actions even if we do not agree to them. I am a hypocrite and I have very low tolerance for ineptitude and have very little patience at times. Mel is far better than I am and i am grateful that she is nice to everyone. There were people who were chatting at the hospital that were critical of things not happening fast enough or potential delays, but most healthcare workers I know want the best for their patients. I think that they are underappreciated at times and it is easy to take out frustrations on them when you do not get the responses that you want. The tech I knew said she was sorry that this was happening to me again. I blamed the guy who has been present for all of my treatments and said it was his fault that the cancer was back. The healthcare system failed me in the sense that this should have been caught at least 2 to 3 months earlier. It would be easy to be angry at medical staff that did not take this seriously, but in the end they were not knowledgeable enough to know of all the nuances. What I have is very uncommon for someone of my age so it is unexpected. I am probably the youngest person that I have seen so far within treatment and most of the people I meet have kids my age or older. The benefit that I have is that I am young enough and should have enough energy to combat this and push through. 1.5 weeks in, and it is getting a bit easier and better for me. I am sure that I am going to regret saying that, but that is a problem for future me and not the present me. It is easier when I can think of something positive that occurred every day. It helps set a positive mindset.
Mach