Family is revealed most clearly by who arrives when nothing is required of them. When people show up with care in their hands, food, help, time, presence, they are not defining family with words. They are defining it with action. Over the past couple of months we have had a lot of people do this. Last night I had a friend of mine call and mention that he wanted to drop off some food. When people say things like this I am expecting a small homemade meal. Even though I have a reputation for being super picky I do really enjoy home cooked meals and appreciate the care that goes into it. Him and his wife arrived with bags of treats, a gift basket and gift cards. It is excessively generous even though it came from a host of families from the Hoppers hockey team. I am lucky enough to say that this is not an exception, but the norm that has been happening. Our freezer right now is jam packed with so much food and we have a lot of gift cards to help us through the next while. Illness does not impact only the body, but disrupts stability, control and routines around the home. A common theme that we have been facing is the unpredictability of what is going to happen. We do not have clear outcomes, timelines or knowledge of what comes next. We are blessed because we have a strong biological family, a very strong community family that includes our friends, neighbours and hockey teams. Some people are born into a family but never feel like they belong, while others are not related and become inseparable. Melanie and I both experienced that with our best friends growing up where we lived next door to our best friends and were so heavily integrated that they are considered family. We have created very strong bonds with people and the presence of all of these people alone helps lower stress even when nothing can be fixed. Love reframes endurance. This illness has forced me to confront my own vulnerabilities and limitations. By sharing this experience I can transform this hardship into something relational and not be isolated going through all of this. Having family around helps restore connections when my illness makes it seem like I am going through this on my own.
What all of this support has shown though is that we do not need to go through this on our own. We have a lot of people that want to help us out and they have through generous gifts, but most importantly through their presence and kind words sent to either Melanie or myself. I know that she appreciates the messages and support that people send. It also makes it easier as we share our journey and people read my blog and we do not need to repeat the story over and over. They know where we are and what we are going through and they can ask more targeted questions. I am quite surprised by the amount of people I have reading. Last time I checked it was over 150 unique people. Some people are friends of my sister’s who read. She tells me that she knows when things are rough when they call her to check on how she is doing. That is love as she has her own family of friends that check up on her. Everyone needs support, and sometimes you do not even know it. I get myself into bad situations when I think that I can handle everything and then I realize that I am in a bit too deep. All of the connections and family that I have remind me that I do not need to do this on my own. My family reminds me that I can show weakness. That I do not always need to be strong. They are there for me in any way. Whether it is to help with meals because there is the belief that Mel can not cook. Or whether it is a quick message saying that we are supporting you. It takes pressure off knowing that if I struggle I know that someone will step in and pick up the slack. The family that has welcomed me with open arms has explicitly shown me that I belong to a greater cause, that they are loyal to me and my family and to trust them because they care for me. Support is a network and not defined by a single act.
The last couple of days have been physically a bit tiring. Yesterday at lunch I ended up taking a bite of a sausage on a bun and approximately an hour later I ended up throwing it up. Today at a meeting I had my friend asked me if how I was doing and I told him that I had thrown up yesterday. He asked me was it because I ate too much and I said no, that it just did not sit well. People know my tendencies and will react and try and guide me. I am doing some work on the side with him and he is rightfully concerned that I do not push myself too much and that I take care of myself. He of course is right and sometimes it is something that I need. Protection from myself, and it is what my family has provided. They will call me out when I am being stupid and I am lucky that people will try and stop me when I push myself a bit too much. I had stepped out of the chalet with a bag and went a bit off the deck to throw up into a bag. Mel followed me out and stood on the deck where someone was smoking. They looked a bit disgusted but Mel kind of ignored them and had her back to them. If I was a girl I am sure that Mel would have come to where I was to hold my hair back while I threw up. When I sit in the chalet while everyone else skis it might seem odd, but it makes me feel like part of the family. I do not get to ski with them, but my presence is there with them and I know that Melanie appreciates that as we are doing it as a family. It does not mean that I need to be right beside them on the hill, but my presence of being there is meaningful. This is what I have learned over the last while. Having the presence of my friends drop by for a visit is comforting. They do not need to come bring gifts, but their presence is welcoming and helps with distractions. Family does not require big actions or expensive gifts. Presence and connections is what is important and what i will focus on while going through treatment.
Quoc Hao