Sometimes you do not realize how things are going until time passes and you have time to reflect a bit. Mel worked from home in Monday and was a bit preoccupied during the day. It was a bit emotional for her that day with all of the news that we received. I thought that I was fine, but in reality my mind was not really focused and all over the place. I always like to have contingency plans in case things do not work out. I like to be in control and not leave things to chance. I love chaos and operating within it, but with the caveat that I want to bring order and control it. When I am not in control of my life it brings stress to me. That is one of the reasons why I would rather be hours early and wait around then plan things to arrive perfectly on time. If things go awry there is no opportunity for contingency plans and you are relying on fate. Over the last couple of days we have found other potential options if things do not work out. None of them are guaranteed to work out, but the fact that things exist is nice to know. We know of several alternative treatments for this and most of them are done with the current standard of care that I am going to receive so it will not necessarily harm what I am doing now.
We have had more food and treats dropped off at our house lately. I know that this is appreciated as right now Mel and I are figuring things out in our life with organizing things and prepping for the next couple of weeks. My mother or my mother in law will end up staying at our place while we are away or they will be driven to school. I am not sure yet. I know my mom would stay at our place but I think that my range may intimidate her a bit. We have also not shared with them my current condition. The kids can heat up the frozen food and they could probably cook for themselves if required. With all of the snow that fell last night we received quite a bit of snow. We are quite lucky that we have a neighbor that has consistently cleared our driveway every morning for us. I appreciate that he had helped us out so much. Back prior to me having cancer i would help shovel or clear the driveways of our neighbors frequently. If I had the snowblower out would do several driveways to help them out. Mel watched several people and was not able to help them out. Hopefully my kids will help our their neighbors. I think that we may switch out our large gas snowblower for a smaller electric one that Mel can navigate easier. The one we have now is large so it takes fewer passes for the driveway. It is overpowered for what we need.
I have been feeling much better now each day but it still takes conscious effort for food and to make sure that I am ok. I often ride the edge of too much food and enough. I feel that today I am slightly off schedule l, but that is because I had meetings and drove to pick up my son at school. This is normally the time that I would spend eating and I did not actually bring anything with me. The smart thing would be to go home and get food to eat. I may go to Tarini and get some things ony way home and it could give me an excuse to then go home.
I think it is important to go through all of this with a positive outlook and not dwell on the negative. Mel mentions to me she does not know how I remain positive for all of this and the reason is quite simple. I do not care about all of the potential bad things that may or may not happen. My focus is living in the moment and doing what I can now. I will worry about the other things when they come up. The cancer will inevitably spread, but I will not borrow tomorrow’s worries for today. We have enough to deal with that I do not need to add more to our plates. It makes things easier and I also do not believe that something like this will beat me. I have moments where I struggle but for the most part I am ok. Yesterday Mel was a bit worried about me as I was tired and took a nap at 7 and at 9pm. She was concerned that I might not be well and that I did not eat. Yesterday I think that I strained myself mentally as I spent the whole day focused on things on top of not getting a lot of sleep. Today I am fine, but I would be concerned if I was tired. It also reinforces with Mel that I need to manage my time and energy properly and not focus on extraneous things. Overall things are going well and we are just waiting to hear what the next steps will be.
Q