There has not been much changes this week while I await news of my scan results. Luckily I have a family doctor that is extremely diligent when ever there are any tests. I will be notified immediately of any bad news. Sometimes he even calls me as he is open the information just to toy with me. Last summer he had called and paused and then told me everything was ok. That was amusing. Regardless I appreciate the news that he shares with me. I am hesitant to say things are going well all of the time because it seems that I am riding the edge constantly and hour to hour I am not sure if I am doing better or whether I am going to vomit. Sometimes I think that enough time has passed and I can eat and then after 1 bad I am sadly mistaken and I feel full. The opposite is true on occasion as well where I think I should be full and stop, and 15 minutes later it seems I am ok. I have yet to really figure out that pattern right now.
I seem to be in a perpetual state of coldness in the house except my office and the bedroom. The bedroom I need to keep the door closed and when the furnace runs I can manage to get the temperature in there higher. Coupled with the heated blanket it is quite bearable. I am not the only one that thinks the house is cold as Xavier says the same thing. The thermostat is set to 22, but I suspect it is a lie. I suspect that Olivier hacked it and it is really in Fahrenheit and not Celsius. He is starting to become far more proficient in coding and things like that. I have started to teach Xavier vibe coding so he understands that, but I do not think that he will ever really have a deep desire to code. I am starting to teach him statistics though so he is prepared when he hits university.
Today I noticed that people have been shielding me from a lot. At work people do not want to burden me with their problems and friends do not vent to me. I guess the idea is that I am going through so much that anything that they are going through seems trivial in comparison. Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have seen the impact of me not being as involved has had on different projects. Where people use to ask me for insights weekly, they did not for the last couple of months and it they are beginning to do that again. I see where some projects went off track and understand how they got to that point. I will help them get back to where they need to be soon. A friend of mine and his son came to shoot on Xavier at his private session. He is one of the top scorers in his league and I wanted Xavier to be challenged more with 2 shooters. When he has 2 high caliber kids shooting on him they can do more advanced drills. His coach said that with some kids when you put them in these situations where the difficulty is ramped up it affects their confidence and he has to be careful. With Xavier it is different and he can handle it. Xavier has a ridiculous record for his end of practice shootouts with a win percentage in the high 90’s. Today he won 10-0 and 10-4. His size in the net is intimidating as he is aggressive, moves very well and is full of confidence. I kept on teasing the shooters because they are playing at a much higher level than Xavier and they have more difficulty on him then their own goalies. The caveat is that no one believes that Xavier is playing at the right level so it amuses him when he can throw it in their face that they can not score.
I think that is something that is missing for me right now. The confidence that Xavier has. Whether I want to or not I think I have resigned myself to the fact that at some point the cancer is going to come back. The result is after I have a couple of good days I think and wonder am I going to vomit, am 8 gaining or losing weight. I am focusing on the end result as opposed to the small things I need to get there. Today while we were watching the practice the parents commented on how hard of a worker Xavier is on the ice and how much be battles to make a save. Mel is of the impression that he has no drive and he does not battle. That is because during games he is composed and makes sure that he does not need to battle like he does in practice. He practices 2 on 0 in close without support so he is forced to battle to test his resilience and see if his form falls apart. In real life situations it rarely happens, and when it does and he lets in a goal it annoys him and myself because he has practiced it and should be able to handle it. His practice situations are with highly skilled players who push him. But they are the daily and weekly repetitions that he does to get him to wear he needs to be. Previously I had practiced mentally to prepare myself to get through treatment. Now that it is over my routines are not the same. Physical routines are there, but I am not sure if mentally I am following the positive routines. I need to revert to doing the small things daily in order to get the end results. If Mel would let me spend 3 hours at the rink watching Xavier practice I would have come to this realization sooner.
QHM