Yesterday my goal was to not nap and work throughout the day and see what the impact at the end of the day would be. As the day progressed I was more tired, and as of right now with increased fatigue I do not drive in the afternoon as I am not sure if cognitively I would be quick enough to adjust to things. It seems that it would be foolish to drive and then realize that I am not in a good condition to drive. This morning my treatment was at 7:30am and I arrived before 7am in order to make sure that I would not be delayed. As I was the first patient I do not think that I really had to be there so early as they do need to setup and do things prior, but it allowed me to relax and be comfortable. It is interesting that with the earlier appointment that I am not as fatigued today. I suspect that it is because last night I had 8 hours of sleep. Normally I get 6 to 7 hours, but I was tired last night and went to bed earlier than anyone else in the family. Mel told the boys to be quiet as they tend to be a bit loud at times and they went to bed probably an hour after I did. I have not been having any issues with sleep so I felt quite rested when I woke up in the morning. My appointment tomorrow has been delayed a bit and I have an appointment with my oncologist prior, and Mel wants me to ask about my treatment plan in January. I do believe that the hospital is closed on New Year’s day, so if I can skip the 2nd and then do both of those appointments the following week that would work out for me. We can go to Ottawa on New Year’s Eve after my radiation. This would be the ideal case as then theoretically we could go to the Sens game. I am not 100% sure if I will physically want to go as it might be a bit exhausting, but we can see what happens with it. We could go and always leave the game a bit earlier to beat traffic to get home and to allow me to rest a bit. I think that I will be able to adjust fairly well for this.
In a couple of weeks then theoretically my limitations for lifting should be lifted and I can lift more, but with the radiation I feel fatigued physically with more limited energy. Today I have not experienced any mental fog yet, but I can feel myself getting tired as I have worked almost normal hours and forgot to take some breaks. I think that it will catch up to me in a bit if I do not slow down a bit. I am getting close to determining what the edge is, so I will know how much I can push it. Last night I tried to push my eating a bit more and Mel warned me that if I threw up she would have no sympathy for me. I threw up and she had no sympathy for me. I was eating a donut with some tea and when I was about 3/4th of the way through I said I think I can eat this all. Spoiler alert. I failed. I think I could have, but I ate the rest of the donut and also drank some tea. That was the issue I think, once I drank more then the space in my stomach was reduced and I threw up the thick mucous. I need to make sure that I leave a bit of room for my stomach to digest the food. I am able to consistently eat at least 6 times a day and can often hit 7 or 8 times if I time things properly while drinking.
My creativity has taken a hit while I undergo radiation treatment as mentally I can not see all of the different options ahead and then adapt them. During the morning I am able to, but as the day progresses I can feel my mind slipping into fatigue and I slow down. I do not think that it is due to the timing of the radiation as this seems to occur regardless of what time my treatment is. When my treatment is later in the day fatigue seems to set in at approximately the same time as when it is in the morning. By mid-day I need to slow down a bit and take a break. It may be due to me needing to increase my energy by eating as normally by this time I would have had two light meals and it is time for another.
Resting for a bit rejuvenates me quite a bit. I need to make sure that I take time to allow my mind to relax and I can relax and listen to music in the comfort of a chair not at my computer. The key is I need to randomly read about nothing important or meaningful. I tutor the kids of a friend and he tells me that I should stop as I get fatigued. Mel tells me I need to manage my energy but tutoring them is relaxing for me and intend to do it late afternoon or early evenings. It does not require strenuous thought. I just need to calibrate so I am teaching at the appropriate level and then I can do it to relax while I engage my brain. I saw one of them on Monday and I kept on grilling him when he answered and would ask him why he gave me the answer. I will laugh at them if they give me a textbook answer and force them to do it in their own words again and again. I do it with my team as well. It is great that you can memorize and spit out an answer, but do you understand why and how you get there. It is more important to me that you understand the logic than getting it right all of the time.
It is difficult to sometimes see the overall picture or framework for projects. When you try and work on some of the smaller details it can be difficult. This morning I worked on big picture items and set things up for later in the day. The afternoons are reserved for mindless work that does not require much effort from me. I have a bunch of personal projects that I want to complete and I will focus on some of those while I am not all there mentally. It seems that after a break though I am fine.
The other day I was thinking that even though I am quite intrinsically motivated for success that extrinsic factors drive my actions far more. In high school I had friends that would ask me for help and would force me to do work. As an undergrad my highest grades were in classes where I helped out friends. While I was doing my undergraduate thesis I would travel to Toronto to access their library as everything was not online at the time. I would stay with a friend and he would come with me and spend all day at the library and just walk around and exolore. When I visited and him and his wife were not home I would stay at their house on my own. I am lucky to have such generous friends.
In my graduate classes it was all due to a friend of mine as well. I had met her years before and she disliked me because she thought I was arrogant. I do not blame her though as I was most likely pretty arrogant and being in the program that I was in, we did have a reputation for being a bit arrogant. As I entered the class late the only seat was beside her. My first thought was oh God. This is going to be a fun class. As the class progressed though I saw that she was struggling with some things and discretely helped her. Well over the course of the next 2 years we became inseparable. We grew much closer and I am grateful of the friendship that has developed. We took a lot of courses together and even when we did not we would spend our free time together studying or eating. I had to make sure that I had all of my work done in case she needed some help. I would read articles in her specialty and we would discuss the results and impact. My work ethic was much better because of her as we would carpool to the lab together and leave together at the end of the day. We started to drift apart when we each started our PhD courses and I started dating Mel.
Mel and I never actually dated. We would spend most of our time studying our own thing and take breaks where we would then interact with each other. Mel’s mom thought it was crazy as we would be studying and doing work and then at midnight make a tomato sauce from scratch and have a spaghetti dinner or go ice skating at the park at 2am for a break. I am grateful for all of my friends who embrace my chaotic nature and who can work with me within these constraints. When we first started “dating” Mel made a scrapbook of all these moments that we had. I am sentimental and never wanted to get rid of it and still have it to this day.
I thought of all of this today because this morning I had people asking me for help with various things and I spent all morning helping them out. When I had finished it all then it was like the tension released and I was exhausted. I know that people are still surprised when I tell them that I am still working while going through treatment but it gives me something to focus on. As long as I have people that need my help I think that I will always be motivated to find the energy to help them out. It takes my mind off the fact that I should be tired. Vacation is for suckers. Except if it is for my team or those that work with me. They need to have a good work life balance and need to rest. I am Asian and to relax we like to recite the multiplication table until we hit 1000.
Q