I remember the first time I went into treatment a friend of mine told me that 9 months is going to fly by. She was right. In a blink of an eye I was done all of my treatment and was on the road to recovery. That was 4.5 years ago now and the kids were quite young at the time. The rate that our kids grow up goes by so fast. As I get older there never seems to be enough time. I was talking to some parents at hockey and they mentioned enjoy watching them play now because within 3 or 4 years their careers will be over. I enjoy watching Xavier play and he enjoys it, but we are not under any illusion of him trying to make a career of it. I am not sure what I am going to do with all of my free time when he stops playing hockey. We spend so much time and money at arenas. I know a lot of parents who advocate for their kids to be on teams and I remember chatting with some coaches and they asked me if I was going to tell them why Xavier should make the team. I told them no, he needs to make it on his own merits and if he sucks and does not live up to expectations that is on you and not me. I did not tell you to take him. We all want to provide more for our kids than what we experienced. Most people want their kids to have a better life than they had. Hopefully we are giving them opportunities and experiences that shape them in a positive manner. I think that it is important for kids to experience set backs and not always getting your way because in the real world things are not always fair. I hope that the kids are learning from my journey through cancer that you can not let it dictate your life. When we first had kids we tried to not change things too much and tried to get them to adapt to the way he lived. We tried not to cater to them too much and did not talk to them like babies.
With everything that is going on, it is important that I live in the moment and try and experience everything that I can because the kids are growing up regardless of whether I am in treatment or not. If I spend my time and energy just thinking about that I am going to miss out on their lives. I do enjoy watching Xavier practice as you can see him working on little things. When he is playing well he makes it seem so effortless and everything seems inevitable. All the shots are centered on him and he does not need to move much. It is interesting to see how people perceive that. The nuance of being properly positioned is viewed quite positively when we see coaches down south. Up here what I hear is that the players shot right at him, but that is the point. There was nothing available as he was positioned properly and did not have to be dramatic. He was quiet and let his actions dictate the results. It did not require sprawling desperation or flashy moves. Quiet purposeful elegance. Leaders do not always need to be loud to get results. His equipment is loud and flashy and when he steps on the ice, everyone knows it is him. But his demeanor is cam and his actions are always controlled. It always amuses me that when I hear kids talk about him since his equipment is so recognizable and they share with their friends that he is good. He is memorable and has left an impression. Since he is Asian he is humble and strives to get better. A is average.
Xavier practices his craft everyday. Today I pulled the trigger and purchased the Smith machine. It took me weeks of researching which one to get, weighing all of the pros and cons of each machine. Trying to balance out which features are needed and which are nice to have. He loves working out and will work out everyday. Xavier has the discipline to do it and the desire to get stronger. That is what will see drive him to success in the real world, the ability to recognize where you are weak and the determination and work ethic to get there. Yesterday when he was in our room I remarked to Mel how defined his muscles are starting to look and Mel said he looks like a Ken doll with no hair and muscles starting to show. Having this in our house will allow Xavier to work out everyday and push himself in the comforts of his own home daily.
One day at a time, and 1 meal at a time. That is what the goal right now is. Try and eat a bit more every day while skirting that fine line of too much food and being comfortable. The last couple of days has been a bit mixed as I keep trying to push myself a bit more. This morning I was up at 3am so I decided to go drink some of my high protein yogurt drink. I can not drink it all at once, so it takes me a couple of days. I have daily goals. Eat 7 to 8 meals a day. I need to eat twice before noon, 1 to 2 by 4pm and then try and have 3 from dinner onwards. It is tough, but I think I am eating more daily. Tomorrow will be interesting as we will be traveling and I need to make sure that I eat enough food. Luckily there are a lot of options close by so i can run out and get something if need be.I have a lot of gratitude for everyone who chooses to share in this journey with me. Every day I have words of encouragement from someone. It is something that I do not need to go through alone. People tell me that my daily reflections entertain them. I realize though that I do not always have humour in all of my posts daily. It is dependent on my mood and what is going through it. Whenever a decision point comes up I tend to be more reflective. Mel will tease me when I seem too serious. Today I told her that someone was buying us a coffee maker for Christmas. She questioned my aesthetic taste as she does not know how it will look in “her” vision and then pondered who would be willing to spend that much money on something that I wanted. She just assumed it would be expensive because I tend to not get cheap things. I do not disagree with her, but I will also not mention who generously offered to get me what I asked for.
Q