I had trouble sleeping last night. Whether I believe it or not, news about my cancer always has an impact on my physiology. I may not not consciously worry or think about what is happening, but it is clear that my body thinks otherwise. No matter how I perceive what is happening or how I mentally prepare, my body does not necessarily agree with me and responds accordingly. When I woke up and had trouble falling asleep it was not because I was worried about anything. I did not have thoughts running through my head about anything. I was just wide awake. When I felt anxiety in my stomach, it did not manifest in any way that could deem negative. It was just a gut feeling of uneasiness. Once I have time to process things though, things calm down a bit more. The issue is that I know what the reports mean and traditionally what the outcomes would be in most cases. It makes you wonder about your own mortality at those times. You stop thinking about future events and focus more on the moment on what needs to be done now and for the next couple of days. I think about what adjustments I will need to make and what the impact will be on our day to day lives. Mel still wants to plan to go to Paris, the logistics now will just be a bit more challenging while we figure out what we are going to do. When I told Mel about this news yesterday she asked me if I wanted to talk and I said no. I did not know what to think. I did not feel sad, or anxious or anything at the moment. We are now in static state again while we wait to determine what the next steps are. My gut tells me that they will probably opt for radiation as opposed to resection. They would not necessarily know how far they need to go for resection, so what would they do, just keep on cutting and hope that they find the edge of it. I am not sure which direction it has spread as the reports do not clearly indicate where it went, but I am sure that the surgeon will know. If it is superficial then I think the removal will be easy. If it is going internally then it would be more difficult. I will try and get released the same day if it goes through this again though, as last time the hospital was so packed that my recovery would not have been up on a floor but basically in the surgical recovery suites on the first floor. It is not super comfortable there.
A lot of people have experiences that are not the same as what I have experienced. I am grateful for everyone that helps me out in the background. I have wonderful doctors that are always on top of my case and notify me immediately when they have new information. They are always open to me contacting them and are aware that I do not want to bother them as I am shockingly not their only patient, even though it does seem like I get quite the specialized care. There are so many things that need to happen in the background and with the way that the healthcare system is, I understand how things can slip through the crack because of sheer caseload. In the cancer center, every case is of highest importance to the patient and not having any information is difficult. Even with all of my connections, things are not instantaneous, but all of my doctors allow me to contact them whenever and they do not see it as a burden. For that I am quite fortunate.
Mel texts me throughout the day to make sure that I am maintaining my eating schedule as I do often forget when I get busy with things. It seems that eating is harder today and i am pretty sure that it is all in my head as this was not present for the last couple of days and not much has changed except for the knowledge that it has been confirmed that it still exists. My head wonders if the ascites are still present and I think it is causing me a bit of anxiety that manifests itself in eating. I am aware of what the symptoms are and what happens and I think that is what worries me the most about all of this. Treatment is easy as long as you can maintain nutritional balance. The key is to make sure you are eating and providing enough nutrients to your body so that you can undergo treatment. The first time it was a bit rough but I managed to do it and this time I am almost half of the weight I was when this all started. It is an interesting balance as an increase in weight and increased size around the waist can be seen as negative symptoms of ascites, but I also need to see an increase in weight. The key is whether it is related to increased food intake or not. I know that for the last 6 months that I have eaten less as I have reached satiety at a faster rate. This may be due to my stomach shrinking in size or from the ascites themselves. Regardless I need to slowly increase my food intake which causes me to push myself a bit more each day. It is a knife’s edge that I am playing with where the balance has to be carefully managed. Hopefully a treatment plan is developed within the next couple of days and we can move forward.
Q