November 3rd – Surfacing

Tomorrow I am going in and there is a lot of unknown. I will give updates tomorrow as soon as I can. This evening has been a bit rough for me. I am feeling a lot of anxiety today. I am a bit fearful of what tomorrow may bring. Not as much for myself, but for Mel and the kids. How they will react to this all. Mel suggested that I go to bed early and relax and play some meditation music. She said it was my choice. We were in the car just the two of us so I chose my happy music writing playlist. The leadoff song is Surfacing by Slipknot. Mel is not a fan and does not think that it is very relaxing. But when it played I found that it was rather calming and soothing. When she heard some of the lyrics she replied, well at least the message aligns. I have a strong dislike for her meditation music and sounds that she considers soothing. I prefer my noise. It is loud and abrasive.

I am feeling a bit nervous this evening and my stomach is in a bit of turmoil. We went shopping at Costco and when I was thinking of what I needed to buy and things for the week I started to not feel well. I think the anxiety of trying to plan for uncertainty is making me anxious and not feel well. I always try and make order out of chaos but this is something that puts me out of my comfort zone. I am not in control of this tomorrow and there is not much I can do about it. I do not enjoy it. 

There is also a parent/player team meeting tomorrow that I will not be able to attend. Hopefully I am conscious and I can have Mel call me so I can hear and watch via video call. I am not sure if she would be willing to or not. I will make sure I text Xavier a picture of me scowling so he understands my displeasure. There is a lot of things that I had wanted to accomplish today but I did not finish everything that I wanted to. I will try and do it tomorrow once i wake up. I have packed my iPad, earbuds,headphones a sleep mask and some gloves. I may ask Mel to bring me my heated blanket or more blankets. Right now I sleep under 7 layers. The top sheet, a folded up fleece blanket, my weighted blanket, a folded up knitted blanket and a heavy duvet on top. I also have my heated mattress set to approximately 75% power. I am pretty sure my room is going to suck. My colleagues at Vale had a knitted blanket made for me in red, purple and silver. It is one of my favorite blankets but there is a huge hole in it now and it is a bit small. Mel told me she would knit me a heavy super chunky knit blanket but I have yet to receive one yet.  If that room is cold I am going to get her to deliver me one and if she fails I will get one delivered via Amazon.

I will update tomorrow. Perhaps pre and post surgery. Mel will hopefully provide updates to people tomorrow.

Quoc Hao