Yesterday was quite the interesting day as I was at the hospital for quite a lengthy time. My surgery is now scheduled for 9am Tuesday morning. I need to register at 7am and I then sit around waiting in there until I go in. I am supposed to fast and stop taking vitamins three days prior. Going through all of the medical history I need to discuss what had happened and you discuss any potential issues. I explained what I think would happen as the information is a bit vague and the nurse agreed with my assessment. The initial laparoscopic should be approximately 2 hours and then if things are good then they will remove the tumour located on the umbilicus. If things do not go well then they will abort. Mel will bring me the things afterward. They asked if Mel would be with me waiting and I said I was unsure. Mel has decided to go home and let me suffer all alone in the waiting area. I do not really see the point in having her there though, it is uncomfortable and it is not like she can do much for me while I am there. What I should do though is post live updates. They will probably be super exciting. 7:00am. Registered. 7:10. Waiting. 7:15. Still waiting. They are anticipating that I will be in the hospital for at least a day. They should call Mel afterwards when it is all said and done. The amusing thing was I was there about 3 hours and then they realized that the doctor had requested that I speak with an Anesthesiologist. The only issue was no one had actually booked that appointment for me, so after I was there they asked me to come back this morning. I returned this morning and it went fairly quick as they expedited me. The doctor was lovely and as she was going through my charts she was asking a lot of questions as things did not make a lot of sense. She realized that I had gone through a lot up to this point. We discussed who would be my doctor that day and interestingly enough it is the same one that I had for my initial stomach removal and for my emergency brain surgery. I have a good omen about this as he is good and third time’s a charm right?
This morning I had a conversation with a friend about theology, and whether I believe in God or not. We both went to Catholic schools growing up and I am not Catholic but Mel, the boys and Mel’s family are. I replied that I am not sure whether I do or not, I have a lot of respect for those that do as everyone needs something to believe in and as a guiding light. I told him that eternity is something that I am not comfortable with. I am not sure how I feel about existing forever in continuity. It is something that I do not know how to wrap my head around. If you exist for infinity and there are an infinite amount of people, what exactly does that mean? In what state is your existence. If a baby dies are they in that state forever. The knowledge that you accumulate plays a large role in who you are, so if you do not have that then what is your existence like. The whole concept of eternity is not something that I like really.
The flipside is also if God exists, who do bad things happen to good people. I have had discussions with people where they believe that God gives you what you can handle. If that is the case then I am perfectly fine with everything that has happened to me so far. I know that Mel would disagree and would want our lives to be pleasant, but as I have said before, if there is a deity and things must be kept in balance. That we need darkness and light, then I am ok with having the short end of the stick at times. If there is a God and this is a test of faith, so be it. An issue I have with religion are those that are “good” for fear of reprisal for their actions from a higher being. You should be good to everyone because it is the right thing to do. Most major religions have this as core tenet and that is something that I do believe in. The core message of a good priest or a religious leader is the same. I think that the message is important and can provide guidance when people are going through rough times. I do believe that if you are going to do it, then do it with full intent and commit to it. Do not practice as a show as it does not necessarily do any good. God would know. A friend of mine is a deacon and I always enjoyed theological discussions with him as he had a scientific background studying physics and he did not believe that the two of them were separate. You could believe in both and it made sense to do so. Hardships can help tempering resilience and builds strength, but too much can break you as well. Traumatic experiences can lead to lasting mental and physical damage. The key is to understand what hardships are too difficult to face on your own and make sure that you seek support. I think that support, both mental and physical is crucial as not all struggles result in positive growth.
I think that this journey is a prime example of that. Trying to do everything on my own just makes things more difficult for myself and does not serve any purpose in building resilience. I will push myself next week, but when there is assistance I will take it. Parents of Xavier’s friends have reached out offering to drive Xavier to school hockey, while parents on his own team have rallied to offer help. Even going out of their normal schedule to accommodate my son. Balance. For all of the bad things that I go through, there will be just as much if not more positive intent shown to my family. My kids are resilient to battle with Cancer because they have seen me go through it, they know that I can not do everything that I had in the past, but they also see me living my life and not letting it dictate what I can or can not do. Today I had an incident in the truck, where the interior handle broke off. I will eventually get around to fixing it, but we may not get to it until next weekend. If that is the case either my brother in law or father in law will end of fixing it. It seems like rather simple correction, but both are out of town this weekend and it is not a very high priority at the moment. I just roll down the window and open the door from outside. As long as I do not drive into a lake I should be good to go.
In 4 days I get to return to the hospital and see my old friends. The healthcare system is so broken now and I am lucky that I have so many people looking out for me. It is so easy to slip through the cracks like i did yesterday. I know what needs to be done and I will ask questions or people will check up on things to see what is happening. I am lucky and not everyone has the opportunities and connections that I have made. I have the mental fortitude and strength for all of these challenges that might come forth. I also have the community to support me when I falter. So if this is a test of faith from some deity then I am well equipped to handle anything that is thrown to me.
Dr. Q.H. Mach