I think that I excel in adapting to difficult situations and thinking back it is something that gets me into quite a bit of trouble. A lesson that I learned in life is you need to persevere and you need to have resilience. It is not in my nature to give up or succumb to pressures. I do not recall much of this happening, but I do remember situations when we were kids, where the other kids called be “tough” because I did not cry or show indications of pain. i do not have memories of myself crying because I was in pain. The reason why this may not be good is I have a high pain tolerance and fail to properly signal instances where I may need assistance. If it was for Mel I would have never called the ambulance for assistance when I had pancreatitis. While I was in the emergency room they would have released me if they did not have the actual test results indicating that I need an operation immediately. Same with my brain bleed. I figure out a way to get by and pass those tests. I will adapt and hide what is actually wrong.
Now this is where my circle of friends help out a lot. They notice small behaviours and changes and they will tell Mel or tell me that I need help. A member of my team scolded my boss for putting me in a situation once where I had to present to leadership. I was exhausted, but I was not going to say no that I could not do it. I would figure it out. Yeah, I sucked. It was robotic and I struggled to think. My team member told my boss that they should have known better that I would not back down. She was right, so in the future she would call both of us out if something like that came up. After this I adapted and would never do presentations in the afternoon or days after my treatment.
I grew up in the culture of suck it up and figure it out. Do not sit there and whine and complain that life is not fair; No one cares, work harder if you want to achieve something. The interesting thing is that in order to be successful, you need support from the community for when you eventually fail. In my work, I had people looking out for me. In real life I have an amazing circle of friends. Growing up we had the church and so much support before we were able to stand on our own. I think now because of all the experiences I have had, it helps to shape my behaviour now of having a positive outlook on cancer. It does not seem like something daunting when you break it down to small parts. What do you need to do today. There was a parenting book that my friends had and that I have purchased for friends because it amused me. How not to completely sucj as a new parent. Awesome title is it not? The key message of the book highlights that you will make mistakes. What you need to do in these situations is laugh, learn and just keep on trying. It does not matter if you make mistakes.
When I see people at the cancer center going through treatment, you can see some of the sadness and difficulties that they face. While going through this, there is the sense of loss of control, isolation as people may be empathetic, but unless you have gone though it, it may feel like forced optimism from people. There is grief from experiences that need to be delayed or plans that may not come to fruition. I know that the way that I see myself physically now is much different. I do not like the way that I look now compared to what I was pre-cancer. I find that I lack the physical presence that I had before. The journey is exhausting and you can see it in the way that people carry themselves. If you think you feel tired, you will be tired. That mindset shift is important, it is the difference between enduring treatment and being consumed by it. I often tell Xavier that excellence is forged when you have given it your all and you need to deliver. It is how can you perform when you are fatigued and your team is counting on you. This is what separates the good from the great.
People always remember me, partially because I am a large Asian in a predominately white community, but they remember my interactions. I try and engage the patients and make it a more fun experience. It takes your mind off of everything that is happening in there and you focus on the aspect that you are going through this journey together. We shared advice on different things that we did to alleviate pain or different situations. I hated the wrap that they provided you to help “protect” your PICC line and keep it close to you, so I bought my own sports sleeve and showed them how it was so much superior. But old people or people who do not play sports were not familiar with these. I use to wear an XL, I am pretty sure that right now a small might fit me.
Everything is not always positive, and there are times where you do not have the internal fortitude to do what you need to, and this is when your external support helps you out. You need to force yourself through this and there were times where Mel had to remind me about this and I would get cranky. She would crack a joke or throw something back to me and it could lighten my mood. But this is where cracks in relationships can arise and I need to make sure that I remember that partnership is teamwork under stress.
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