September 29th – 6 7

The post today is going to be quite different. As I have multiple appointments through our the day I will write my thoughts through the day and post later tonight. I came here early and the registration is filled. Normally it is a relatively quick process and things flow smoothly. This morning I sat next to someone and they seemed rather nervous. They kept on shaking their leg so much that my chair was vibrating the whole time. I did not enjoy it very much but he seemed rather anxious about being here. That is the difference right now between some of the people here and me. I know what my diagnosis is and am just here to see the extent. Some people are in the dark. I was up at 3:30am this morning and slept on and off till 6:30. I had dreams that I was late to my appointment and that I was sitting in registration in the wrong area of the hospital. I tried to find where I was supposed to go but I could not find the area. I guess I do have some anxiety about today. I am not sure how much levity there will be today as right now I seem to be in a sombre mood.

I am sitting in the room now drinking contrast and waiting for my PET scan to occur. Earlier today I was in quite a sombre mood. An interesting thing happened though. I have been receiving messages from people and what I realized is that something that seems so small and insignificant such as sending positive thoughts helps elevate my mood. I think what enlightened me a bit about this is even if I am going through the day on my own, I have the so many people who care enough to reach out and offer support. I have spoken prior about circles of trust and who you provide support and lean on. I have leaned on those close to me and some others as well. What brings me comfort right now is that there will be a lot of people around to help support Mel and the kids. I think that is what I had feared the most. Xavier has a very demanding schedule with his hockey. Over the past weekend I have had lots of offers to take him to hockey or to help out Mel with whatever we need. We have made a lot of friends from hockey and those friendships run deep. Parents from former teams or who have played with Xavier have offered to drive him, even when they are not involved with that team. I appreciate the gesture and this support. At this point I do not have anymore fear of what the doctor has to say.

We returned from our appointment and the information is less than awesome. The doctor originally told us that if it came back or options would be limited. At the time of the appointment the PET was not ready. As our appointment was a bit early it was made available while we were in there. The CT scan was inconclusive, but they know it is there. The issue is that they do not know if it has spread or not. I have seen the PET report and so far it seems relatively positive. There are not signs of systemic spread through the lymphatic system. If it is localized an option would be surgery. The issue is that I did not respond well to chemotherapy and radiotherapy as it is still there after the first round. My Asian cancer cells are above average so of course they are going to be awesome and resist. Why make this 6 simple? The only way that I can be cured if this is localized to the surface and they do some sort of a surgery to remove it. I did not realize how much care is required so they do not spread it. The next steps are to do an abdominal flush and see if there are free floating cancer cells. They will not do surgery if it can not be fully removed. If there are cells floating, the options are more limited as it did not respond well to the original treatment. There have been some new drugs created and treatment options but the doctor made it clear that this was for control the cancer and not cure it. Interestingly enough, this news did not stress me out. I was calm through this and Mel said she has enough stress for the 2 of us. There is a path forward, we just do not know what we will do as of yet. As long as it is not in the abdomen then everything is awesome. If it is there then I will just be the miracle case. Easy enough. Right now I am feeling much better about this.

Q