It is the day before I my PET scan and my appointment with my oncologist. At this time tomorrow I will be fully aware of what the treatment plan is and whether the cancer is localized to one location or spread throughout my system. I would be lying if I said that I was not nervous about what the results will be tomorrow. It seems that today my body is far more sensitive and over the last couple of days my perception makes me wonder if it is all in my head or do I actually feel discomfort in my stomach. Through out the day while we were traveling today I wonder if it in my head or not. Regardless, tomorrow the unknown will be made clear. I had thought calling people to take a sneak peak at my report to see what it said, but having a couple of days of unknown clarity seemed to be the better choice. I enjoyed the semblance of a normal hockey weekend with my family. I do not know how this will proceed in the future, so it was nice to have things seem normal. There is some comfort in knowing that if it was extremely dire that they normally flag it as urgent for someone to read and look at. I think that the unsettling feeling I get in the gut of my stomach today is more anxiety about the unknown and not from my actual feeling unwell.
Mel took the next two days off and she will be attending the session with me. I think she will be able to process things a bit better and will ask questions. What I do fear though is if the news is not good, how Mel will take it. I would be far more stoic and not fear thinking things out as we go. I think that she will be a bit more emotional if the prognosis is negative. With that being said I think it is of greater benefit for me to have her there as opposed to not. I would have to share the news with her and I know that she would pepper me questions about, did you ask this or that and a myriad of other questions. Driving home today we had a discussion with the boys about life spans and women tend to live longer than men. This can be explained by quite a few different factors, genetic makeup, behavioural lifestyle, societal and environmental factors. A big one is that woman are more likely to seek medical care and follow preventative health measures. Xavier in the vehicle was bragging about how he is healthy and we could not help but point out that it is was this exact bravado that causes issues in men. Women tend to have a stronger immune system. Our kids go to a catholic school and it amuses me when they talk about religion. Olivier was saying that their version of the bible was different and we discussed some common bible verses. I mentioned a couple and they were making fun of the fact that the only non-catholic in the vehicle was versed in this. I am also the only one in the car that has read the whole bible. We explained that at the core, that most of the major religions of the world share similar messaging. While I do not practice any religion myself, I respect those that do and the individual practices that everyone has. What I struggle with in regards to the teachings is, living your life out of fear of reprisal from a higher being. If you are only being good out of fear are you truly a good person. I know that I have some readers here that are extremely knowledgeable in theology and I have discussed matters with them on occasion. The thing is that I strongly believe that religion can be very good for people who need a guiding light and direction. If people follow the message it can be fantastic. It just falls apart when you are at one extreme or the other. Balance is required. Faith strengthens resilience and provides hope and purpose during health crises. It can nurture gratitude and lead to improved positive outlooks which leads to enhancing psychological resilience. I know that I have a lot of people saying prayers for me and even have nuns at a convent praying for my well being. I have a lot of gratitude for all those who include me in prayers.
Once treatment starts I will be quite cognizant of infection risks from others. When I go out in public I will wear a mask. I also use to wear a skull cap for warmth. I am going to need to find that again. I have a heated jacket, but I think that I may invest in a heated vest as well if I am going to be going out in public. We also need to purchase a new unit for the steam shower. There were a lot of different tips and tricks that I did the first time and this time around I will be much better prepared. The issue is that the size of my body now is drastically smaller than before so I will need to purchase new things.